Back to Gatefold#51 by Travis Hiltz
June 2016 Featuring the immovable Blob and Unus, the Untouchable! |
"At the Circus"
The cluster of gaudy, over-sized tents, trucks and large cage enclosures was huddled at the edge of town. A circus without customers is a grey and lonely thing. Even the occasional animal noise sounded tired and blah.
A man made his way through the thin groups of roustabouts, and performers, either practicing their acts or enjoying their leisure time.
He was tall, broad-shouldered with short black hair. He wore a red bodysuit with orange wrestling trunks and boots over it. He made his way between two striped tents, past the dinner enclosure and up to a squat, specially re-enforced trailer.
He knocked on the door with a knuckle.
“Yeah? What?” A voice bellowed from inside.
The man in red shook his head and entered.
The interior of the trailer was a jumble of disorganized office and neglected bachelor apartment. Amongst the furniture covered in either clothes or paperwork an enormous fat man in sweatpants and a black t-shirt was taking up nearly all of a sagging sofa.
“Fred, we may have a problem.” The new arrival said.
Both men were mutants, foes of the Uncanny X-men. They had met, realized they had no interest in world domination, were both pretty tired of getting beaten up and like so many kids before them, ran away to join the circus.
The fat man was Fred J. Dukes, otherwise known as the Blob and was in fact owner of this rundown circus. He had invited his friend, the mutant known as Unus the untouchable, to join him.
They had used what remained of their ill-gotten loot and a few threats to buy out Dukes’ old partners and decided to make a go at being legitimate businessmen. They were in no danger of being rich, but at the same time, had not been forced to fight any superheroes in months.
“Really?” Blob muttered through a mouthful of sandwich. “You wanna be more specific. Half the clowns are threatening to quit if we don’t fix the roof on their trailer, Marco went way over budget, buying those new animals, which means more money has got to be put into animal food, the weather report is crap for the rest of the week, which is okay, cause we ain’t going nowhere until we fix two of the trucks…and I stubbed my toe making my lunch. Now, what’s your problem?”
Unus shifted a stack of discarded pizza boxes and sat down.
“Couple of the guys told me we had somebody prowling around last night,” He said. “This is the second time it’s happened.”
“Couple townies getting’ their kicks,” Blob grumbled, wiping a dab of mustard off his face with the back of his hand.
“Maybe, maybe not,” His friend said. “We might want to check it out is all I’m saying. We got people on both side of the mutant conflict that would be interested in tracking us down. Not to mention some of our past criminal associations…”
“Seriously?” Blob asked, his forehead scrunching in thought.
“It can’t hurt to be careful and see what’s going on,” Unus shrugged. “Could be local kids, could be cops…we aren’t the only ones in this circus with dubious records or, worst case scenario, the X-men or Magneto’s bunch found us.”
“Jeez, that’d be all we need! All right, whatta you wanna do bout it?”
“Let’s put a couple extra guys on watch tonight. See if anybody comes back,” Unus suggested. “Maybe I’ll take a watch…see what I can see. If it isn’t about us, we don’t want to make too big a deal and make anybody else on the payroll twitchy.”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Blob nodded. “Let me get some work done. We’re gonna do a night show…see if we can make some cash before the rain hits this weekend.”
# # # # # # # # #
Later that night after the sparse crowds had gone home and most of the evidence that they’d been there had been cleaned up. Unus, having added a jacket to his ensemble, gotten himself a pretty nasty cup of coffee and was perched in a discreet corner. He sat on a crate, his back against a disused animal cage. He took a sip of coffee, frowned disapprovingly and then shrugged and took a second sip.
“Keeping things safe, Captain America?” Blob asked, waddling up.
“Naw,” Unus shrugged. “Too chilly for evil doers apparently. Guess it was just drunk townies hoping to get another glimpse of the trapeze sisters in their leotards.”
He got to his feet and put up the collar of his jacket against the cold.
“I was thinking bout putting on a movie,” Blob said.
“Have fun with that, I’m gonna hit the sack.”
Just as the two turned to walk away, Blob placed an over-sized hand on his friend’s arm.
“You see that?” He asked in a hushed tone.
“What?”
“Something moved, over past those hay bales.”
“Probably Marco or one of the guys, checking the animals,” Unus suggested.
“Nope, I passed Marco on my way here,” Blob replied, still trying to keep his voice low. “He was heading to his trailer.”
“Okay,” Unus said, dumping his coffee out on the ground and setting the mug down. “Let’s have a look.”
He gestured for Blob to circle one way, while he went the other. He crept up to the stack of hay bales and then quickly jumped behind it, hoping he didn’t look like too much of an idiot.
Apparently he didn’t, as the two guys, dressed all in black, huddled behind the bales were startled and made a run for it.
They got a couple yards before the Blob stepped around the corner of a tent and the duo ran smack into him. One staggered back a few steps; the other tripped and hit the ground.
They staggered away in the other direction, thinking Unus the easier opponent.
They got within a few feet of him before his invisible force field kicked in and the two strangers dropped like they had hit a brick wall.
Blob and Unus walked up and stood over the heap that was the intruders. Blob leaned down, grabbed one by the back of the neck and hauled him to his feet, giving him a rough shake.
“Okay, buddy,” The over-sized mutant growled. “You wanna tell us what you and your pal are up to?”
The intruder hung limply in the Blob’s grip, groaning weakly and struggling to focus his eyes. Blob gave the man another shake.
He blinked, got a good look at the Blob and his eyes bugged out.
“Oh man…!” He breathed anxiously.
“Yeah, yeah,” The Blob said, making a fist with his free hand. “Now, this conversation can go two ways…”
“Hey, I ain’t getting paid enough to…to… try and tangle with…uh… you!” The man babbled. “We was checking... animals…!”
Unus grabbed the other guy and pulled him to his feet.
This guy had been playing possum and once upright and close enough to render the mutant’s force field problematic gave Unus a shove and then threw a handful of dirt into Blob’s face.
Gahhh!” Blob exclaimed, letting go of his captive to rub his eyes.
Unus stumbled back and tumbled over a water bucket left on the ground.
Before the two mutants could recover, the intruders and gotten loose and made a break for it, disappearing into the night.
“Damnit!” Unus muttered, getting to his feet.
Blob was leaning over spitting and rubbing at his watering eyes.
“Where’d they go!” He growled. “When I get my mitts on those mooks…!”
“Settle down,” Unus said, patting his friend’s over-sized shoulder. “Sounds like they were just hired guns. You heard what that guy said?”
“You mean about the animals?” Blob muttered. “Yeah, let’s go rouse Marco.”
# # # # # # # # #
The animal trainer for the circus was a shorter, stocky man with thick, leathery arms, decorated with various scars. He sported an ostentatious handlebar mustache.
They found him in one of the tents, doing a last minute check of the animals before going to bed. He wore a pair of jeans and a leather vest.
“Marco!” Blob shouted, entering the tent.
Over here, Boss,” Marco said. He had a couple empty buckets slung over one arm. “What’s up?”
“We need to talk to you about the new bunch of animals,” Unus said.
“Hey, I know I went a little bit over the budget…”
“A little bit?” Blob snapped. “ If you…!’
“We’re getting off topic,” Unus told his friend, speaking out of the side of his mouth. “Take a breath and let me do the talking.”
He gestured and the trio left the tent and walked over to Marco’s trailer, which was located near the animal cages. There was a constant, low chorus of growls and other noises.
Eyeing his small trailer and his enormous employer, Marco sat on the steps instead of inviting them in. The Blob settled down on a hay bale while Unus merely crossed his arms.
“We have some…concerns about the new batch of animals and need some reassurance that you got them all through legitimate sources.”
“Yeah, course I did,” Marco protested. “They are…completely on the up and up…pretty much.”
“That ain’t as reassuring sounding as we was hoping for,” The Blob muttered.
“How much is pretty much?” Unus asked. “We aren’t trying to nail you or anything, just something came up that has us wondering. Where’d you get them?”
“No big deal, they’ve all got their paperwork,” Marco shrugged. “Got them at an auction, kind of an estate sale…there was this rich, old guy, had a kind of private zoo. He dies and his kids got no interest in dad’s weird hobby, plus aren’t one hundred percent sure dad got the animals through…uh… completely legitimate channels. We got all their paperwork and receipts for what we paid, but…y’know…”
“But, if anybody went back a couple steps, nobody can say for sure there wasn’t some sketchy business along the way,” Unus nodded. “Got it.”
“We got any problems with the animals?” Blob asked. “They all healthy? Nothing sketchy bout them?”
“Naw, they’re great,” Marco replied, enthusiastically. “The lion is kinda thin…not eating right, but coming along pretty good…and the horses are working with Tina. She’s real happy with them…so, yeah, great bunch of animals…really worth what we paid…”
“Don’t push your luck,” Blob grumbled.
“What’d you get?” Unus asked, trying to keep the conversation on track. “How many animals?”
“Lemme think…” Marco said, absently, doing some mental math. “I told you bout the lion, a zebra, there’s the horses…four of them, then there’s the hawk…Len’s telling me he might have trouble with one wing and then the monkeys, half dozen monkeys…yeah, that’s it.”
“How come so many monkeys?” Unus asked. “Don’t we already have a bunch?”
“Sure,” Marco nodded. “But a couple of them are getting old. I say monkeys but there’s a mix. We got a gorilla, thought Paula was acting like she has been cause she was lonely. We got three monkeys, a baboon and an orangutan…”
“What the hell are we gonna do with an orangutan?” Blob asked. “You spent my money…!”
“Hey, hey, they were kind of a set.” Marco protested, his hands up in a ‘calm down’ gesture. “There were three or four them that had been practically raised together and the guy didn’t want to split them up.”
“Okay, we got it, Marco,” Unus said. “We’re good. Go get some rest. If you think of anything else, let us know.”
“Yeah, sure,” Marco said, standing up on the wooden stairs. “Still don’t know what the problem could be. We got a good bunch, all pretty healthy…”
“You tell me, one more time it was money well spent…!” Blob said, cracking his knuckles.
“Come on, leave him alone, Fred,” Unus said, punching his friend on the shoulder as he walked past.
# # # # # # # # #
“Whatta you think?” Blob asked, as the two mutants walked back to his trailer.
“I don’t know,” Unus frowned. Shaking his head. “Those thugs mentioned the animals, but nothing Marco said sounded too bad. If the animals weren’t legit, they might have been cops, but then why run? They could have easily flipped a badge at us, rather than run…?”
“Too bad Mastermind ain’t still around,” Blob muttered.
“Why? That guy was a weasel!”
“But, he was a smart weasel. Let’s face it; Unus, you and me are bruisers. We ain’t thinkers or detectives. Much as I didn’t trust Wyngarde, he was a thinker and could have figured this out.” The Blob explained.
“Well, maybe we aren’t the geniuses of the mutant community,” Unus said. “But, we’ll just have to figure this out on our own. We already narrowed the list. Those guys seemed surprised to see us, so they weren’t any kind of mutant hunters. So, we need to figure what’s up with that new animals…”
“Hey!” The Blob said, snapping his pudgy fingers. “Maybe the old man was using the animals to cover up that he was making his money smuggling and there’s something stashed in one of their cages?”
“You need to stop watching the classic movie channel,” Unus muttered. “Any other ideas that didn’t come from a Scooby-Doo episode?”
“Fine! Tell me what’s going on, if you’re so smart?”
The two friends glared at each other for several frustration filled seconds.
“Okay, I got nothing.” Unus muttered. “Let’s just keep a couple extra guys at night and maybe we’ll make sense of this. I’m gonna get some sleep.”
# # # # # # # # #
Several days passed with no further incidents and soon Unus stopped joining the night watch. The circus did enough business to break even and cover most of their repairs and debts and Fred Dukes started making plans to move on.
Soon, the incident with the two intruders and the new animals possible murky past was forgotten.
A week and half, and two towns later, Unus was in the dining tent, when the Blob came strolling in. He shoed away the two girls from the trick riding act that his friend was chatting up and pulled over a crate to sit on.
“Another day or two and we’re gonna be ready to roll out,” Blob said. “Think we may take a break. We’ve made enough dough that we could take a week, let everybody rest and figure out what needs fixing, restocking, that kind of stuff.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Unus nodded, not looking up from his sandwich. “Things are looking up.”
“Well, bout that…” Blob said, rubbing the back of his neck in thought. “We might have had another peeper…”
“What?” Unus asked, surprised. “When?”
“Last night. Rocky was doing his rounds and swears he saw somebody…followed him to where the two tents are next to each other…thought he had him cornered and then… guy’s gone.”
“Uh-huh,” Unus nodded, slow and skeptical. “And what’s Rocky’s preferred drink to ward off the chill?”
“Okay, I’m just saying. We had some trouble before and so, this may be nothing, but it may be something.” Blob shrugged his massive shoulders.
“What do you want me to do about it?” Unus asked.
“Maybe take a watch tonight?” Blob suggested. “Worse case, we find out Rocky is hitting the bottle and should be pulled off night watch.”
“Yeah, okay,” Unus replied, without much enthusiasm.
# # # # # # # # #
Night crept in, grey and threatening rain to come. Unus huddled into his jacket. He was camped out under the awning of one the bigger tents. He had a folding camp chair and a cup of bad coffee.
He sat, arms crossed, slumping in his chair.
“Well, this sucks,” He muttered, taking a sip of coffee.
He spent a couple hours walking around the circus, touching base with various other workers, and making extra time around the various animal cages and enclosures.
Now, after show jobs had been taken care of, as well as tasks to get the circus ready to move on and everybody was finishing up and heading to wherever they bunked.
Unus was seeing fewer people around, and was now chilly, tired, bored and a little lonely.
“Should have brought a book,” He muttered, getting to his feet.
Unus stretched, tossed out his coffee and headed out to make one more round of the circus before calling it a night. He stayed close to the tents and trailers, as they offered a bit of shelter from the chill wind.
He was thinking dark thoughts about his friend for talking him into taking this shift, when he caught a blur of movement out of the corner of his eye.
Frowning, he backtracked and then squeezed between two trailers.
Unus was thinking he was just imagining things, when there was another flash of movement.
“Okay, something’s hinky here,” He muttered.
A figure moved from one patch of shadow to another, with only the flapping of an overcoat to hint that there was a person doing it.
Unus raced around one of the trailers and leapt out, grabbing a handful of coat.
“Hold it!” He snapped, in what was hopefully a forceful enough tone to intimidate any intruder into submission.
It didn’t work, as the mysterious intruder attempted to drive his shoulder into the mutant’s solar plexus. Instead, he was pushed away by Unus’ force field and shrugged out of his overcoat and escaped. Unus caught a flash of color as the intruder leapt past him with a distinctive ‘whooshing’ noise and a small flare of energy.
“Boot jets…?” Unus muttered, spinning around.
The intruder wore a bodysuit in segments of blue and purple. The cowl was open, revealing his whole face. On his forehead and across his chest were several white, stylized…
“Boomerang…!” Unus muttered, recognizing the super villain sneaking around the grounds.
Boomerang spun, coming out with two white, plastic boomerangs in his hands.
“Back off buddy,” He said. “Walk away and no one gets hurt.”
“Yeah, take your best shot,” Unus replied, cracking his knuckles as he strode toward the intruder.
Boomerang flung his two weapons, sending them twirling towards the mutant. They came within a few feet before being repulsed by his force field and tumbling to the ground.
“What the…?” Boomerang muttered, right before Unus took a swing at him.
Boomerang dodged, taking the punch on the shoulder, rather than the jaw. He then lunged in, attempting to head bump Unus.
Instead he staggered back and took another fist to the stomach.
“Had enough?” Unus asked. “Want to tell me what this is all about?”
Boomerang snarled and flung two more boomerangs. Again they hit Unus’ force field. One erupted in a flash of light that made the mutant stumble backwards. Which got him out of range of the cloud of gas from the second boomerang.
Blinking fiercely, Unus lunged at Boomerang, who easily dodged and then attempted to use a boomerang to club the other man down.
“What’s up with you, man?” Boomerang exclaimed, in frustration. “What kind of magic kung-fu are you doing?”
His vision still blurred and feeling dizzy, Unus shoved the other villain and the pair went stumbling away from each other.
Unus went down on one knee, shook his head and got unsteadily to his feet.
Boomerang grabbed two more of his signature weapons while glancing around. He soon realized that Unus and forced him into a corner, formed by two trailers. He frowned at the situation and then let his weapons fly. They twirled around Unus, swooping low and then exploding on their way back.
His mutant powers protected him from the blast, but not from the small pothole the eruption created. He stumbled again and by the time he had regained his feet the other villain had flown off.
Unus stood, his fists clenched in frustration, as other members of the circus crew, attracted by the noise, gathered around him.
“Come on! Outta my way!” The Blob growled, pushing past his employees to get to Unus. “So, what happened?”
“We got a bigger problem than we thought. Come on.”
Blob set some of the others to clean up and he and Unus headed to his office.
“Boomerang…!” Blob exclaimed, slumping onto his much-abused couch. “Seriously? Who’d set that schmuck after us?”
“I don’t know,” Unus muttered. “But feels like they’re stepping up their game. Before it was just hired hands, now they’re spending cash on a super-villain. Not good.”
“Cripes!” Blob grumbled, scratching his head. “What the heck is going on…?”
“It’s about that new batch of animals,” Unus said, clearing off a chair and sitting down. “Boomerang was prowling around the cages…it all comes back to them.”
“Yeah, but why? Marco has been over them with a fine-toothed comb. None of them have been used as drug mules…there’s nothing stashed in their cages…!”
“Stop with that pulp mystery stuff, Fred,” Unus snapped. “It’s got to be where they came from. Something about them isn’t legit…just don’t know how to find out.”
“But, we got the paperwork!” Blob said, starting to rummage through a pile of papers on a side table.
“Look, I don’t know what’s sketchy about the animals!” Unus snapped. “But something is! We need to figure out what to do.”
“Well, by tomorrow we’ll be out of town,” Blob shrugged.
“Great, until they catch up to us again and then Grizzly and the Stiltman show up, busting the place up. I think I’ve got an idea.”
“You figured out why…whoever …wants the animals?” Blob asked.
“No clue,” Unus admitted. “But, I think what we need to do is take the new batch of animals and move them to their own spot. Put one of the smaller tents a little away from the main circus area. Then you and I can play guard. It’s not perfect, but it means whoever has to go there.”
“So, we don’t have to patrol the whole circus,” Blob nodded. “Just one tent. Guess that could work. When we hit the next town, I’ll have Marco and Pete set it up.”
Blob leaned back on the couch, looking thoughtful. After a couple seconds he looked up at his friend.
“Stiltman, huh?” He muttered.
“Lord, I hope not.” Unus replied.
# # # # # # # # #
A week passed, the circus moved on, played another small town and no super villains swooped in to attack. Blob and Unus took turns sitting guard of the tent set aside for the suspicious new batch of animals.
All they managed to discover about the animals was that one of the horses didn’t like Blob and would whiny nervously if he got too close, the new group of monkeys took well to training and had quickly learned several new tricks and if they didn’t carefully monitor what the lion ate, he got gassy.
Both mutants were getting bored and irritable and ready to just give up.
Blob voiced that very opinion over breakfast.
‘This is getting’ us nowhere!” He growled through a mouthful of scrambled eggs.
“I know, I know,” Unus grumbled in reply. He was leaning forward having trouble focusing on more than the cup of coffee in front of him. “Messing with my sleep schedule…making my force field all twitchy…”
“You okay?” Blob asked, concerned.
His friend had had problems with his force field before. It had gotten so powerful it began repelling food when he tried to eat and eventually even the air around him.
No surprise, Fred Dukes didn’t have a huge social circle and so valued the few real friends he had. In his own crude way, he liked Unus and worried about him.
“Yeah, fine, nothing like before…just tired.” Unus grumbled. “You’re right, we are right where we started. How much longer we in town?”
“Two nights, tops,” Blob shrugged. “If tonight goes really good, we’re gonna stick around another day.”
“Okay, two more nights, we move on and call it quits,” Unus nodded, getting slowly to his feet. “I can do that. Going to catch a nap.”
“Yeah, okay,” Blob muttered, watching anxiously, as his friend walked away.
# # # # # # # # #
The circus stayed in town three nights.
Unus had mixed feelings. The money was very welcome, but playing guard was really starting to take its toll.
“Last night,” he muttered, taking a swig of coffee. “Then I don’t care if Doctor Doom wants those horses. He can have them.”
“What’s in the mug that’s got you talking to yourself?” Blob asked, stomping up. “You gonna share?”
“Just coffee,” Unus replied with a grim smile. “Come to tag off?”
“Looking like rain,” Blob said, looking up. “Figured we’d call it a night.”
Unus nodded. He had a blanket draped over his shoulders, so when he stood up, it looked like he was wearing a cape.
Just as they were moving off a figure came out of the shadows. Blob spun and grabbed him by the shirt.
“Alright, buddy what do…hey, Marco, what’re you doing sneaking up on us?”
“Sorry boss,” Marco said, dangling from the big mutant’s hand, his feet not touching the ground. “I was doing a last check on the animals…somebody’s in the animal tent!”
“What!” Blob said, letting go off his animal trainer.
Unus dropped his blanket on Marco as they went by.
The duo reached the front of the tent. Unus eased back the flap an inch or two to peek inside.
“What do you see?” Blob whispered.
“Nothing. I can hear somebody moving around though,” Unus whispered back. “Enough of this!”
He barged into the tent, hitting the switch that turned on the overhead lights.
“Okay! Whoever you are!” He shouted. “Show yourself!”
“Huh…?” Blob said, looking over his friend’s shoulder. “I don’t see anybody. You see anybody?”
“No. What the hell…?” Unus muttered, shaking his head. “So, help me god, I am so freaking sick of…waitaminute…!”
“What?”
“Something’s…wrong…what…where are the monkeys?” Unus said, looking around, annoyed and confused.
“What?” Blob asked, equally confused and getting annoyed.
“One of the monkey cages is empty,” Unus said, jogging over to it.
Blob huffed after him.
“Lock wasn’t busted,” Unus said, opening and closing the cage door and studying the lock. “Somebody picked it…?”
“Somebody moved this stuff around,” Blob muttered, looking around and walking over to a brightly painted barrel that Marco used in his big cat act. “Why put it in the middle of the tent…?”
Right before he reached it, the barrel blurred, transformed into a baboon and leapt at the Blob.
“Holey crap!” He exclaimed, as the monkey grabbed his hair and tried to claw his face. He stumbled around before he was able to pull the baboon loose. He raised his arm, ready to throw it across the tent. Just as he was about to, the baboon blurred again and transformed into a hawk. He flapped wildly, but the Blob still had a grip on its legs.
“What the hell…?” Unus breathed, but before he could go help his friend, the gorilla leapt over the top of the cage. He hit Unus’ force field and went tumbling away, landing with a grunt on the straw-covered ground.
Suddenly, the cage door swung wildly back, like it was attempting to swat the mutant. Unus repelled it, but flinched, just on reflex, from the two attacks occurring so close together.
“Super powered monkeys!” He exclaimed. “What the hell is happening?”
The gorilla climbed to its feet, shook its massive head and glared at Unus.
It beat its chest, and growling, charged him.
“Slow down, Kong,” Unus said, raising his hands.
The gorilla bounced off his force field, tumbled across the tent, coming to a halt when it bumped against the Blob’s thick legs.
Blob swung and clubbed the gorilla with the frantically flapping bird of prey.
The baboon changed back to its original form, unconcsiness.
The gorilla roared and leapt to its feet, grappling with the over-sized mutant. The Blob dropped the unconscious baboon.
Unus ran to help his friend, only to have numerous small objects from around the tent rise up and rush at him, like tiny, mismatched missiles. He stumbled around, not hurt, but disoriented and confused by this new attack.
“Stop it!” A new voice, guttural and accented shouted. “Stop it now!”
The newcomer phased through the wall of the tent, brandishing a sophisticated laser pistol. He was short and stocky, with a broad forehead and receding white, collar-length hair. He was dressed in a red parka and pants, as well as blue gloves, gun belt and boots.
“Back away from them, or I will be forced to shoot!” He snapped.
“You brought a laser to steal monkeys!” Blob exclaimed, as he slammed the gorilla down upon the fallen baboon.
“They are not monkeys!” The man in red shouted. “You can obviously see they are very different kinds of primate! Idiot!”
“Buddy, you and me are gonna dance,” Blob grumbled, cracking his knuckles.
Unus lunged at the intruder; the energy blasts ricocheted off his force field. He grabbed the man in red’s gun and twisted it out of his grasp and tossed it away.
“Good,” Blob said, closing in. “Let me have first shot!”
His fist passed right through the shorter man and the heavyset mutant stumbled and walked right through him, cracking his head against a tent pole.
“What the…?!” He exclaimed, turning around and attempting to grab the intruder in a bear hug. Again, he passed right through him and stumbled forward a few steps before skidding to a halt. He turned ready to charge again.
“Hold it!” Unus shouted, getting in between the two men. “Stop, both of you!”
“I’m gonna muderilize this mook!” Blob announced.
“You cannot keep me from what is mine!” The white-haired intruder retorted, shaking a gloved fist at the fat mutant.
“I get it, I get it,” Unus said. “You’re that commie, the Red Ghost and these are your monk…uh…primates”
“I had to hide them when the authorities came for me,” Red Ghost said, grudgingly, his gaze distracted.
“You hid them in that private zoo,” Unus continued for him. “And while you were on the run, the old, rich guy died and your apes got sold to us.”
“Seriously?” Blob asked. “All this malarkey has been about a bunch of monkeys…?”
“They are mine and will be again. Pitor, now!”
The orangutan leapt out from behind a wagon and raising one long arm, a blast of magnetism shot from its fingers and sent the ray gun flying from the ground to the Red Ghost’s waiting hand.
“Ha! Fools, did you really think you could outwit me?”
“If I get my mitts on you…!” Blob snarled.
“How do you propose to do that, my portly friend?” The Red Ghost sneered.
“Hold it!” Unus shouted. “Can you act like freakin’ adults for five minutes?”
Both men looked at the mutant in surprise.
“Your intangible,” Unus explained. “I’ve got a force field that repels all threats, and your portly friend is super strong and immovable. The fight will last all night or until the cops get here. You aren’t getting the apes…”
“Are you threatening me?” Red Ghost growled.
“…Unless you buy them back,” Unus finished.
“Buy them? They are mine!”
“Really?” Blob asked. “I got a receipt that says otherwise.”
“Whatever happened before,” Unus explained. “We bought them legally. You on the other hand are a Russian super-villain and a spy too, now that I think about it. You buy them and we part quietly. You fight us and odds are all three of us go to jail and the apes end up in a lab. How about, for a change, we go with the reasonable option?”
The Red Ghost glowered at the two mutants, moving his pistol back and forth between them.
“How much?” He finally muttered, lowering his gun hand in defeat.
# # # # # # # # #
Much later, another town, and after another show, the two friends were sitting around in Fred’s trailer, enjoying a quiet night of paperwork and take out pizza.
“Oh, Marco is still after me to use the money we got off the Red Ghost to get him some new monkeys.” Blob said, looking up from stack of papers. “Still can’t believe that worked!”
“It was a gamble,” Unus said, absently, while helping himself to another slice of sausage and mushroom. “Personally, I’m glad. Wasn’t looking forward to spending all night punching a bunch of apes.”
“Ahhh, I could have handled them. What do I tell Marco?”
“Tell him to happy with what he’s got,” Unus said, around a mouth full of cheese. “With our luck, next time he’ll end up buying a giraffe that belonged to Galactus or something.”
Author’s note: I always liked those stories where Unus and the Blob were paling around together and thought it would be fun to give the two lunkheads a story of their own where they don’t get beat up by the X-men.
Yeah, they’re jerks, but they were never violent world conquers. They just wanted to make some money and be left alone.
Thought it would be fun to take two guys known for punching their problems and make them have to think instead.
A man made his way through the thin groups of roustabouts, and performers, either practicing their acts or enjoying their leisure time.
He was tall, broad-shouldered with short black hair. He wore a red bodysuit with orange wrestling trunks and boots over it. He made his way between two striped tents, past the dinner enclosure and up to a squat, specially re-enforced trailer.
He knocked on the door with a knuckle.
“Yeah? What?” A voice bellowed from inside.
The man in red shook his head and entered.
The interior of the trailer was a jumble of disorganized office and neglected bachelor apartment. Amongst the furniture covered in either clothes or paperwork an enormous fat man in sweatpants and a black t-shirt was taking up nearly all of a sagging sofa.
“Fred, we may have a problem.” The new arrival said.
Both men were mutants, foes of the Uncanny X-men. They had met, realized they had no interest in world domination, were both pretty tired of getting beaten up and like so many kids before them, ran away to join the circus.
The fat man was Fred J. Dukes, otherwise known as the Blob and was in fact owner of this rundown circus. He had invited his friend, the mutant known as Unus the untouchable, to join him.
They had used what remained of their ill-gotten loot and a few threats to buy out Dukes’ old partners and decided to make a go at being legitimate businessmen. They were in no danger of being rich, but at the same time, had not been forced to fight any superheroes in months.
“Really?” Blob muttered through a mouthful of sandwich. “You wanna be more specific. Half the clowns are threatening to quit if we don’t fix the roof on their trailer, Marco went way over budget, buying those new animals, which means more money has got to be put into animal food, the weather report is crap for the rest of the week, which is okay, cause we ain’t going nowhere until we fix two of the trucks…and I stubbed my toe making my lunch. Now, what’s your problem?”
Unus shifted a stack of discarded pizza boxes and sat down.
“Couple of the guys told me we had somebody prowling around last night,” He said. “This is the second time it’s happened.”
“Couple townies getting’ their kicks,” Blob grumbled, wiping a dab of mustard off his face with the back of his hand.
“Maybe, maybe not,” His friend said. “We might want to check it out is all I’m saying. We got people on both side of the mutant conflict that would be interested in tracking us down. Not to mention some of our past criminal associations…”
“Seriously?” Blob asked, his forehead scrunching in thought.
“It can’t hurt to be careful and see what’s going on,” Unus shrugged. “Could be local kids, could be cops…we aren’t the only ones in this circus with dubious records or, worst case scenario, the X-men or Magneto’s bunch found us.”
“Jeez, that’d be all we need! All right, whatta you wanna do bout it?”
“Let’s put a couple extra guys on watch tonight. See if anybody comes back,” Unus suggested. “Maybe I’ll take a watch…see what I can see. If it isn’t about us, we don’t want to make too big a deal and make anybody else on the payroll twitchy.”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Blob nodded. “Let me get some work done. We’re gonna do a night show…see if we can make some cash before the rain hits this weekend.”
# # # # # # # # #
Later that night after the sparse crowds had gone home and most of the evidence that they’d been there had been cleaned up. Unus, having added a jacket to his ensemble, gotten himself a pretty nasty cup of coffee and was perched in a discreet corner. He sat on a crate, his back against a disused animal cage. He took a sip of coffee, frowned disapprovingly and then shrugged and took a second sip.
“Keeping things safe, Captain America?” Blob asked, waddling up.
“Naw,” Unus shrugged. “Too chilly for evil doers apparently. Guess it was just drunk townies hoping to get another glimpse of the trapeze sisters in their leotards.”
He got to his feet and put up the collar of his jacket against the cold.
“I was thinking bout putting on a movie,” Blob said.
“Have fun with that, I’m gonna hit the sack.”
Just as the two turned to walk away, Blob placed an over-sized hand on his friend’s arm.
“You see that?” He asked in a hushed tone.
“What?”
“Something moved, over past those hay bales.”
“Probably Marco or one of the guys, checking the animals,” Unus suggested.
“Nope, I passed Marco on my way here,” Blob replied, still trying to keep his voice low. “He was heading to his trailer.”
“Okay,” Unus said, dumping his coffee out on the ground and setting the mug down. “Let’s have a look.”
He gestured for Blob to circle one way, while he went the other. He crept up to the stack of hay bales and then quickly jumped behind it, hoping he didn’t look like too much of an idiot.
Apparently he didn’t, as the two guys, dressed all in black, huddled behind the bales were startled and made a run for it.
They got a couple yards before the Blob stepped around the corner of a tent and the duo ran smack into him. One staggered back a few steps; the other tripped and hit the ground.
They staggered away in the other direction, thinking Unus the easier opponent.
They got within a few feet of him before his invisible force field kicked in and the two strangers dropped like they had hit a brick wall.
Blob and Unus walked up and stood over the heap that was the intruders. Blob leaned down, grabbed one by the back of the neck and hauled him to his feet, giving him a rough shake.
“Okay, buddy,” The over-sized mutant growled. “You wanna tell us what you and your pal are up to?”
The intruder hung limply in the Blob’s grip, groaning weakly and struggling to focus his eyes. Blob gave the man another shake.
He blinked, got a good look at the Blob and his eyes bugged out.
“Oh man…!” He breathed anxiously.
“Yeah, yeah,” The Blob said, making a fist with his free hand. “Now, this conversation can go two ways…”
“Hey, I ain’t getting paid enough to…to… try and tangle with…uh… you!” The man babbled. “We was checking... animals…!”
Unus grabbed the other guy and pulled him to his feet.
This guy had been playing possum and once upright and close enough to render the mutant’s force field problematic gave Unus a shove and then threw a handful of dirt into Blob’s face.
Gahhh!” Blob exclaimed, letting go of his captive to rub his eyes.
Unus stumbled back and tumbled over a water bucket left on the ground.
Before the two mutants could recover, the intruders and gotten loose and made a break for it, disappearing into the night.
“Damnit!” Unus muttered, getting to his feet.
Blob was leaning over spitting and rubbing at his watering eyes.
“Where’d they go!” He growled. “When I get my mitts on those mooks…!”
“Settle down,” Unus said, patting his friend’s over-sized shoulder. “Sounds like they were just hired guns. You heard what that guy said?”
“You mean about the animals?” Blob muttered. “Yeah, let’s go rouse Marco.”
# # # # # # # # #
The animal trainer for the circus was a shorter, stocky man with thick, leathery arms, decorated with various scars. He sported an ostentatious handlebar mustache.
They found him in one of the tents, doing a last minute check of the animals before going to bed. He wore a pair of jeans and a leather vest.
“Marco!” Blob shouted, entering the tent.
Over here, Boss,” Marco said. He had a couple empty buckets slung over one arm. “What’s up?”
“We need to talk to you about the new bunch of animals,” Unus said.
“Hey, I know I went a little bit over the budget…”
“A little bit?” Blob snapped. “ If you…!’
“We’re getting off topic,” Unus told his friend, speaking out of the side of his mouth. “Take a breath and let me do the talking.”
He gestured and the trio left the tent and walked over to Marco’s trailer, which was located near the animal cages. There was a constant, low chorus of growls and other noises.
Eyeing his small trailer and his enormous employer, Marco sat on the steps instead of inviting them in. The Blob settled down on a hay bale while Unus merely crossed his arms.
“We have some…concerns about the new batch of animals and need some reassurance that you got them all through legitimate sources.”
“Yeah, course I did,” Marco protested. “They are…completely on the up and up…pretty much.”
“That ain’t as reassuring sounding as we was hoping for,” The Blob muttered.
“How much is pretty much?” Unus asked. “We aren’t trying to nail you or anything, just something came up that has us wondering. Where’d you get them?”
“No big deal, they’ve all got their paperwork,” Marco shrugged. “Got them at an auction, kind of an estate sale…there was this rich, old guy, had a kind of private zoo. He dies and his kids got no interest in dad’s weird hobby, plus aren’t one hundred percent sure dad got the animals through…uh… completely legitimate channels. We got all their paperwork and receipts for what we paid, but…y’know…”
“But, if anybody went back a couple steps, nobody can say for sure there wasn’t some sketchy business along the way,” Unus nodded. “Got it.”
“We got any problems with the animals?” Blob asked. “They all healthy? Nothing sketchy bout them?”
“Naw, they’re great,” Marco replied, enthusiastically. “The lion is kinda thin…not eating right, but coming along pretty good…and the horses are working with Tina. She’s real happy with them…so, yeah, great bunch of animals…really worth what we paid…”
“Don’t push your luck,” Blob grumbled.
“What’d you get?” Unus asked, trying to keep the conversation on track. “How many animals?”
“Lemme think…” Marco said, absently, doing some mental math. “I told you bout the lion, a zebra, there’s the horses…four of them, then there’s the hawk…Len’s telling me he might have trouble with one wing and then the monkeys, half dozen monkeys…yeah, that’s it.”
“How come so many monkeys?” Unus asked. “Don’t we already have a bunch?”
“Sure,” Marco nodded. “But a couple of them are getting old. I say monkeys but there’s a mix. We got a gorilla, thought Paula was acting like she has been cause she was lonely. We got three monkeys, a baboon and an orangutan…”
“What the hell are we gonna do with an orangutan?” Blob asked. “You spent my money…!”
“Hey, hey, they were kind of a set.” Marco protested, his hands up in a ‘calm down’ gesture. “There were three or four them that had been practically raised together and the guy didn’t want to split them up.”
“Okay, we got it, Marco,” Unus said. “We’re good. Go get some rest. If you think of anything else, let us know.”
“Yeah, sure,” Marco said, standing up on the wooden stairs. “Still don’t know what the problem could be. We got a good bunch, all pretty healthy…”
“You tell me, one more time it was money well spent…!” Blob said, cracking his knuckles.
“Come on, leave him alone, Fred,” Unus said, punching his friend on the shoulder as he walked past.
# # # # # # # # #
“Whatta you think?” Blob asked, as the two mutants walked back to his trailer.
“I don’t know,” Unus frowned. Shaking his head. “Those thugs mentioned the animals, but nothing Marco said sounded too bad. If the animals weren’t legit, they might have been cops, but then why run? They could have easily flipped a badge at us, rather than run…?”
“Too bad Mastermind ain’t still around,” Blob muttered.
“Why? That guy was a weasel!”
“But, he was a smart weasel. Let’s face it; Unus, you and me are bruisers. We ain’t thinkers or detectives. Much as I didn’t trust Wyngarde, he was a thinker and could have figured this out.” The Blob explained.
“Well, maybe we aren’t the geniuses of the mutant community,” Unus said. “But, we’ll just have to figure this out on our own. We already narrowed the list. Those guys seemed surprised to see us, so they weren’t any kind of mutant hunters. So, we need to figure what’s up with that new animals…”
“Hey!” The Blob said, snapping his pudgy fingers. “Maybe the old man was using the animals to cover up that he was making his money smuggling and there’s something stashed in one of their cages?”
“You need to stop watching the classic movie channel,” Unus muttered. “Any other ideas that didn’t come from a Scooby-Doo episode?”
“Fine! Tell me what’s going on, if you’re so smart?”
The two friends glared at each other for several frustration filled seconds.
“Okay, I got nothing.” Unus muttered. “Let’s just keep a couple extra guys at night and maybe we’ll make sense of this. I’m gonna get some sleep.”
# # # # # # # # #
Several days passed with no further incidents and soon Unus stopped joining the night watch. The circus did enough business to break even and cover most of their repairs and debts and Fred Dukes started making plans to move on.
Soon, the incident with the two intruders and the new animals possible murky past was forgotten.
A week and half, and two towns later, Unus was in the dining tent, when the Blob came strolling in. He shoed away the two girls from the trick riding act that his friend was chatting up and pulled over a crate to sit on.
“Another day or two and we’re gonna be ready to roll out,” Blob said. “Think we may take a break. We’ve made enough dough that we could take a week, let everybody rest and figure out what needs fixing, restocking, that kind of stuff.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Unus nodded, not looking up from his sandwich. “Things are looking up.”
“Well, bout that…” Blob said, rubbing the back of his neck in thought. “We might have had another peeper…”
“What?” Unus asked, surprised. “When?”
“Last night. Rocky was doing his rounds and swears he saw somebody…followed him to where the two tents are next to each other…thought he had him cornered and then… guy’s gone.”
“Uh-huh,” Unus nodded, slow and skeptical. “And what’s Rocky’s preferred drink to ward off the chill?”
“Okay, I’m just saying. We had some trouble before and so, this may be nothing, but it may be something.” Blob shrugged his massive shoulders.
“What do you want me to do about it?” Unus asked.
“Maybe take a watch tonight?” Blob suggested. “Worse case, we find out Rocky is hitting the bottle and should be pulled off night watch.”
“Yeah, okay,” Unus replied, without much enthusiasm.
# # # # # # # # #
Night crept in, grey and threatening rain to come. Unus huddled into his jacket. He was camped out under the awning of one the bigger tents. He had a folding camp chair and a cup of bad coffee.
He sat, arms crossed, slumping in his chair.
“Well, this sucks,” He muttered, taking a sip of coffee.
He spent a couple hours walking around the circus, touching base with various other workers, and making extra time around the various animal cages and enclosures.
Now, after show jobs had been taken care of, as well as tasks to get the circus ready to move on and everybody was finishing up and heading to wherever they bunked.
Unus was seeing fewer people around, and was now chilly, tired, bored and a little lonely.
“Should have brought a book,” He muttered, getting to his feet.
Unus stretched, tossed out his coffee and headed out to make one more round of the circus before calling it a night. He stayed close to the tents and trailers, as they offered a bit of shelter from the chill wind.
He was thinking dark thoughts about his friend for talking him into taking this shift, when he caught a blur of movement out of the corner of his eye.
Frowning, he backtracked and then squeezed between two trailers.
Unus was thinking he was just imagining things, when there was another flash of movement.
“Okay, something’s hinky here,” He muttered.
A figure moved from one patch of shadow to another, with only the flapping of an overcoat to hint that there was a person doing it.
Unus raced around one of the trailers and leapt out, grabbing a handful of coat.
“Hold it!” He snapped, in what was hopefully a forceful enough tone to intimidate any intruder into submission.
It didn’t work, as the mysterious intruder attempted to drive his shoulder into the mutant’s solar plexus. Instead, he was pushed away by Unus’ force field and shrugged out of his overcoat and escaped. Unus caught a flash of color as the intruder leapt past him with a distinctive ‘whooshing’ noise and a small flare of energy.
“Boot jets…?” Unus muttered, spinning around.
The intruder wore a bodysuit in segments of blue and purple. The cowl was open, revealing his whole face. On his forehead and across his chest were several white, stylized…
“Boomerang…!” Unus muttered, recognizing the super villain sneaking around the grounds.
Boomerang spun, coming out with two white, plastic boomerangs in his hands.
“Back off buddy,” He said. “Walk away and no one gets hurt.”
“Yeah, take your best shot,” Unus replied, cracking his knuckles as he strode toward the intruder.
Boomerang flung his two weapons, sending them twirling towards the mutant. They came within a few feet before being repulsed by his force field and tumbling to the ground.
“What the…?” Boomerang muttered, right before Unus took a swing at him.
Boomerang dodged, taking the punch on the shoulder, rather than the jaw. He then lunged in, attempting to head bump Unus.
Instead he staggered back and took another fist to the stomach.
“Had enough?” Unus asked. “Want to tell me what this is all about?”
Boomerang snarled and flung two more boomerangs. Again they hit Unus’ force field. One erupted in a flash of light that made the mutant stumble backwards. Which got him out of range of the cloud of gas from the second boomerang.
Blinking fiercely, Unus lunged at Boomerang, who easily dodged and then attempted to use a boomerang to club the other man down.
“What’s up with you, man?” Boomerang exclaimed, in frustration. “What kind of magic kung-fu are you doing?”
His vision still blurred and feeling dizzy, Unus shoved the other villain and the pair went stumbling away from each other.
Unus went down on one knee, shook his head and got unsteadily to his feet.
Boomerang grabbed two more of his signature weapons while glancing around. He soon realized that Unus and forced him into a corner, formed by two trailers. He frowned at the situation and then let his weapons fly. They twirled around Unus, swooping low and then exploding on their way back.
His mutant powers protected him from the blast, but not from the small pothole the eruption created. He stumbled again and by the time he had regained his feet the other villain had flown off.
Unus stood, his fists clenched in frustration, as other members of the circus crew, attracted by the noise, gathered around him.
“Come on! Outta my way!” The Blob growled, pushing past his employees to get to Unus. “So, what happened?”
“We got a bigger problem than we thought. Come on.”
Blob set some of the others to clean up and he and Unus headed to his office.
“Boomerang…!” Blob exclaimed, slumping onto his much-abused couch. “Seriously? Who’d set that schmuck after us?”
“I don’t know,” Unus muttered. “But feels like they’re stepping up their game. Before it was just hired hands, now they’re spending cash on a super-villain. Not good.”
“Cripes!” Blob grumbled, scratching his head. “What the heck is going on…?”
“It’s about that new batch of animals,” Unus said, clearing off a chair and sitting down. “Boomerang was prowling around the cages…it all comes back to them.”
“Yeah, but why? Marco has been over them with a fine-toothed comb. None of them have been used as drug mules…there’s nothing stashed in their cages…!”
“Stop with that pulp mystery stuff, Fred,” Unus snapped. “It’s got to be where they came from. Something about them isn’t legit…just don’t know how to find out.”
“But, we got the paperwork!” Blob said, starting to rummage through a pile of papers on a side table.
“Look, I don’t know what’s sketchy about the animals!” Unus snapped. “But something is! We need to figure out what to do.”
“Well, by tomorrow we’ll be out of town,” Blob shrugged.
“Great, until they catch up to us again and then Grizzly and the Stiltman show up, busting the place up. I think I’ve got an idea.”
“You figured out why…whoever …wants the animals?” Blob asked.
“No clue,” Unus admitted. “But, I think what we need to do is take the new batch of animals and move them to their own spot. Put one of the smaller tents a little away from the main circus area. Then you and I can play guard. It’s not perfect, but it means whoever has to go there.”
“So, we don’t have to patrol the whole circus,” Blob nodded. “Just one tent. Guess that could work. When we hit the next town, I’ll have Marco and Pete set it up.”
Blob leaned back on the couch, looking thoughtful. After a couple seconds he looked up at his friend.
“Stiltman, huh?” He muttered.
“Lord, I hope not.” Unus replied.
# # # # # # # # #
A week passed, the circus moved on, played another small town and no super villains swooped in to attack. Blob and Unus took turns sitting guard of the tent set aside for the suspicious new batch of animals.
All they managed to discover about the animals was that one of the horses didn’t like Blob and would whiny nervously if he got too close, the new group of monkeys took well to training and had quickly learned several new tricks and if they didn’t carefully monitor what the lion ate, he got gassy.
Both mutants were getting bored and irritable and ready to just give up.
Blob voiced that very opinion over breakfast.
‘This is getting’ us nowhere!” He growled through a mouthful of scrambled eggs.
“I know, I know,” Unus grumbled in reply. He was leaning forward having trouble focusing on more than the cup of coffee in front of him. “Messing with my sleep schedule…making my force field all twitchy…”
“You okay?” Blob asked, concerned.
His friend had had problems with his force field before. It had gotten so powerful it began repelling food when he tried to eat and eventually even the air around him.
No surprise, Fred Dukes didn’t have a huge social circle and so valued the few real friends he had. In his own crude way, he liked Unus and worried about him.
“Yeah, fine, nothing like before…just tired.” Unus grumbled. “You’re right, we are right where we started. How much longer we in town?”
“Two nights, tops,” Blob shrugged. “If tonight goes really good, we’re gonna stick around another day.”
“Okay, two more nights, we move on and call it quits,” Unus nodded, getting slowly to his feet. “I can do that. Going to catch a nap.”
“Yeah, okay,” Blob muttered, watching anxiously, as his friend walked away.
# # # # # # # # #
The circus stayed in town three nights.
Unus had mixed feelings. The money was very welcome, but playing guard was really starting to take its toll.
“Last night,” he muttered, taking a swig of coffee. “Then I don’t care if Doctor Doom wants those horses. He can have them.”
“What’s in the mug that’s got you talking to yourself?” Blob asked, stomping up. “You gonna share?”
“Just coffee,” Unus replied with a grim smile. “Come to tag off?”
“Looking like rain,” Blob said, looking up. “Figured we’d call it a night.”
Unus nodded. He had a blanket draped over his shoulders, so when he stood up, it looked like he was wearing a cape.
Just as they were moving off a figure came out of the shadows. Blob spun and grabbed him by the shirt.
“Alright, buddy what do…hey, Marco, what’re you doing sneaking up on us?”
“Sorry boss,” Marco said, dangling from the big mutant’s hand, his feet not touching the ground. “I was doing a last check on the animals…somebody’s in the animal tent!”
“What!” Blob said, letting go off his animal trainer.
Unus dropped his blanket on Marco as they went by.
The duo reached the front of the tent. Unus eased back the flap an inch or two to peek inside.
“What do you see?” Blob whispered.
“Nothing. I can hear somebody moving around though,” Unus whispered back. “Enough of this!”
He barged into the tent, hitting the switch that turned on the overhead lights.
“Okay! Whoever you are!” He shouted. “Show yourself!”
“Huh…?” Blob said, looking over his friend’s shoulder. “I don’t see anybody. You see anybody?”
“No. What the hell…?” Unus muttered, shaking his head. “So, help me god, I am so freaking sick of…waitaminute…!”
“What?”
“Something’s…wrong…what…where are the monkeys?” Unus said, looking around, annoyed and confused.
“What?” Blob asked, equally confused and getting annoyed.
“One of the monkey cages is empty,” Unus said, jogging over to it.
Blob huffed after him.
“Lock wasn’t busted,” Unus said, opening and closing the cage door and studying the lock. “Somebody picked it…?”
“Somebody moved this stuff around,” Blob muttered, looking around and walking over to a brightly painted barrel that Marco used in his big cat act. “Why put it in the middle of the tent…?”
Right before he reached it, the barrel blurred, transformed into a baboon and leapt at the Blob.
“Holey crap!” He exclaimed, as the monkey grabbed his hair and tried to claw his face. He stumbled around before he was able to pull the baboon loose. He raised his arm, ready to throw it across the tent. Just as he was about to, the baboon blurred again and transformed into a hawk. He flapped wildly, but the Blob still had a grip on its legs.
“What the hell…?” Unus breathed, but before he could go help his friend, the gorilla leapt over the top of the cage. He hit Unus’ force field and went tumbling away, landing with a grunt on the straw-covered ground.
Suddenly, the cage door swung wildly back, like it was attempting to swat the mutant. Unus repelled it, but flinched, just on reflex, from the two attacks occurring so close together.
“Super powered monkeys!” He exclaimed. “What the hell is happening?”
The gorilla climbed to its feet, shook its massive head and glared at Unus.
It beat its chest, and growling, charged him.
“Slow down, Kong,” Unus said, raising his hands.
The gorilla bounced off his force field, tumbled across the tent, coming to a halt when it bumped against the Blob’s thick legs.
Blob swung and clubbed the gorilla with the frantically flapping bird of prey.
The baboon changed back to its original form, unconcsiness.
The gorilla roared and leapt to its feet, grappling with the over-sized mutant. The Blob dropped the unconscious baboon.
Unus ran to help his friend, only to have numerous small objects from around the tent rise up and rush at him, like tiny, mismatched missiles. He stumbled around, not hurt, but disoriented and confused by this new attack.
“Stop it!” A new voice, guttural and accented shouted. “Stop it now!”
The newcomer phased through the wall of the tent, brandishing a sophisticated laser pistol. He was short and stocky, with a broad forehead and receding white, collar-length hair. He was dressed in a red parka and pants, as well as blue gloves, gun belt and boots.
“Back away from them, or I will be forced to shoot!” He snapped.
“You brought a laser to steal monkeys!” Blob exclaimed, as he slammed the gorilla down upon the fallen baboon.
“They are not monkeys!” The man in red shouted. “You can obviously see they are very different kinds of primate! Idiot!”
“Buddy, you and me are gonna dance,” Blob grumbled, cracking his knuckles.
Unus lunged at the intruder; the energy blasts ricocheted off his force field. He grabbed the man in red’s gun and twisted it out of his grasp and tossed it away.
“Good,” Blob said, closing in. “Let me have first shot!”
His fist passed right through the shorter man and the heavyset mutant stumbled and walked right through him, cracking his head against a tent pole.
“What the…?!” He exclaimed, turning around and attempting to grab the intruder in a bear hug. Again, he passed right through him and stumbled forward a few steps before skidding to a halt. He turned ready to charge again.
“Hold it!” Unus shouted, getting in between the two men. “Stop, both of you!”
“I’m gonna muderilize this mook!” Blob announced.
“You cannot keep me from what is mine!” The white-haired intruder retorted, shaking a gloved fist at the fat mutant.
“I get it, I get it,” Unus said. “You’re that commie, the Red Ghost and these are your monk…uh…primates”
“I had to hide them when the authorities came for me,” Red Ghost said, grudgingly, his gaze distracted.
“You hid them in that private zoo,” Unus continued for him. “And while you were on the run, the old, rich guy died and your apes got sold to us.”
“Seriously?” Blob asked. “All this malarkey has been about a bunch of monkeys…?”
“They are mine and will be again. Pitor, now!”
The orangutan leapt out from behind a wagon and raising one long arm, a blast of magnetism shot from its fingers and sent the ray gun flying from the ground to the Red Ghost’s waiting hand.
“Ha! Fools, did you really think you could outwit me?”
“If I get my mitts on you…!” Blob snarled.
“How do you propose to do that, my portly friend?” The Red Ghost sneered.
“Hold it!” Unus shouted. “Can you act like freakin’ adults for five minutes?”
Both men looked at the mutant in surprise.
“Your intangible,” Unus explained. “I’ve got a force field that repels all threats, and your portly friend is super strong and immovable. The fight will last all night or until the cops get here. You aren’t getting the apes…”
“Are you threatening me?” Red Ghost growled.
“…Unless you buy them back,” Unus finished.
“Buy them? They are mine!”
“Really?” Blob asked. “I got a receipt that says otherwise.”
“Whatever happened before,” Unus explained. “We bought them legally. You on the other hand are a Russian super-villain and a spy too, now that I think about it. You buy them and we part quietly. You fight us and odds are all three of us go to jail and the apes end up in a lab. How about, for a change, we go with the reasonable option?”
The Red Ghost glowered at the two mutants, moving his pistol back and forth between them.
“How much?” He finally muttered, lowering his gun hand in defeat.
# # # # # # # # #
Much later, another town, and after another show, the two friends were sitting around in Fred’s trailer, enjoying a quiet night of paperwork and take out pizza.
“Oh, Marco is still after me to use the money we got off the Red Ghost to get him some new monkeys.” Blob said, looking up from stack of papers. “Still can’t believe that worked!”
“It was a gamble,” Unus said, absently, while helping himself to another slice of sausage and mushroom. “Personally, I’m glad. Wasn’t looking forward to spending all night punching a bunch of apes.”
“Ahhh, I could have handled them. What do I tell Marco?”
“Tell him to happy with what he’s got,” Unus said, around a mouth full of cheese. “With our luck, next time he’ll end up buying a giraffe that belonged to Galactus or something.”
Author’s note: I always liked those stories where Unus and the Blob were paling around together and thought it would be fun to give the two lunkheads a story of their own where they don’t get beat up by the X-men.
Yeah, they’re jerks, but they were never violent world conquers. They just wanted to make some money and be left alone.
Thought it would be fun to take two guys known for punching their problems and make them have to think instead.