Back to GatefoldIssue #X by Brent Lambert
"Ghetto" |
"What's wrong with a ghetto booty?" the slim young black lady asked Deadpool who was sitting next to her drinking a beer. Deadpool usually didn't have chicks randomly talk to him at bars probably because his face looked like pizza a football team just got done stepping on.
"Ain't nothing wrong with a ghetto booty! More cushion for the pushin I always say, but why you ask?"
The woman got a somber look on her face and said, "My boyfriend dumped me today because he said my booty was too big. Can you believe that bull?!"
Deadpool saw the girl was visibly upset, but he had the deepest urge to laugh. Consoling he said, "He must not be too smart because I've never heard of a black guy dumping a girl for having a big butt. It's like a white guy leaving his girl for giving him too much head. Shoot I can't think of any race that would do that now I think about it."
The girl sighed and said, "He wasn't black. The jerk was Asian and I can't believe he left me because of something physical! You know what I mean? I sure as hell didn't leave him because his wang was two inches long and the sex sucked. I think I had to use the vibrator more times with him than I've ever had to with anyone else I've been with."
Deadpool snickered under his breath and said, "Sheesh! Not even one guy has ever been able to get you off that thing?"
"Well there was one, but…hey aren't you the assassin Deadpool?" the woman asked realization dawning on her.
"Yeah I am. What gave it away? The pie face?" Deadpool asked thinking that his convo with this girl was probably over and done with.
The girl shook her head strongly and said, "Of course not! It was actually the gun hanging out of your pocket. Hey do you know my friend Pamela Greenwood? She plays the typical damsel in distress over in Bishop?"
"Can't say that I have. I haven't had a chance to venture over to that title. Now that I think about it though I haven't played much of a role at M2K at all," Deadpool exclaimed.
"Don't feel bad. My first and probably only damn appearance is in this Switch Month thing. I'm kinda worried though because friends and relatives always seem like the first ones to get hit with stuff. I mean look at poor Sara Grey. I really don't want to become a machine anytime soon," the lady said guzzling down another gulp of beer.
Deadpool hadn't paid attention to a word she had just said because he was still stuck on his importance in M2K. "Man I don't think I've made a single guest appearance and I sure haven't been involved in any crossovers. Sure I'm a little out of continuity here, but come on! I mean not even a Fallen Angels guest appearance. All the bad assess show up there and I consider myself pretty badass. Of course I would hate to be part of that Twelve crossover. Cable saves them all! How lame is that? Well Mags did save Havok, but who doesn't Mags save?"
"Excuse me! I thought we were talking about my problems here?" the lady said anger beginning to form on her face at Deadpool's babbling.
"Look no offense toots, but you're one of those extras no one takes the time to look at during the movie. I'm supposed to be a star and my writers haven't been giving me any play. So what I was created by Liefeld! Big fucking deal! I mean the bastard created Cable and I don't see a lack of Cable appearances," Deadpool complained, but when he looked up the girl was gone.
The old fat bartender came up to Deadpool and smiled. He was wiping a large beer glass as he said to Deadpool, "Man you must be good! No one has been able to get that miss out of here for hours. She just drones on and on about how screwed up her life is. Who wants to hear about that all day?"
"Who wants to drink out of a glass with beard hair in it?" Deadpool rebuked. When the bartender looked down he saw his long white beard was partially in the beer glass. Deadpool got up from his stool leaving the embarrassed bartender speechless. All his other customers who had overheard Deadpool began to spit out their drinks and demand refunds.
When Deadpool got outside he saw a woman laid out across the street. He ran to her and saw that it was the woman from the bar. Her right arm and left leg looked to be broken badly and she was unconscious probably from a concussion. With his heightened senses he could smell the burnt rubber and on the back of her thigh was an imprinted number. A hit and run had just taken place. He took the woman's pulse and she was still hanging in there.
"You have no time to worry about the lady Deadpool!" Shatterstar exclaimed appearing suddenly on the street. Deadpool looked around to see if there were any alleys and could find none.
"Where the hell did you come from?"
"Like all good opponents do. Out of the shadows!" Shatterstar exclaimed.
"Hold up! Wait a gosh darn minute! Now ain't ya suppose ta be dead?" Deadpool asked doing his best Rogue impression.
"Puny Magnus cannot beat a power such as my own," Shatterstar exclaimed.
Deadpool groaned, "I really hate imposters! Why did I decide to go out to the bar tonight? First I meet this wild woman, an ugly bartender, and someone claiming to be a dead guy. I could be watching my Tommy Lee/Pamela flick right now instead of this bullshit!!"
"You filthy creature! Now I shall truly slay you!" Shatterstar yelled jumping up into the air charging at Deadpool.
"Slay me? Yeah….keep telling yourself that," Deadpool said shooting the fake Shatterstar in the head before he could even get one lick in.
Deadpool laughed and mumbled to himself, "How come more fights can't be resolved like. Take this as a lesson kids. Violence may be bad, but it sure gets you quick results."
"Hey hot stuff over here," the young woman said healed entirely from her wounds and in a brand new black dress. Deadpool was puzzled.
"Okay please explain."
"It's called M2K Time you doofus. You know like how entire clubs are destroyed and rise back up in a few issues time or how entire cities get wiped out and are largely ignored except for a few minor stories. That's all M2K time and me being back to normal is all part of it," the friend of Pamela Greenwood said.
"M2K time huh? Maybe I'll actually start becoming relevant if I just keel over and die. People always pay attention to death though it's pretty much a mockery in my line of work. Better yet I'll just have Russ Anderson take a crack at me! He's got the Midas touch and if he can write Puck and Batroc for the love of chocolate he can write me!!" Deadpool exclaimed not realizing how much of the fabric of reality he was altering with his very words.
"Look at it this way Deadpool. At least someone can always try and improve on you, but me I'm always stuck with the fact my only appearance with be in a story written by Brent Lambert! You know how much that sucks?! It's like being dumped in a vat of boiled worms or better yet being in the 12! Well maybe not as bad as the last one, but you get the picture."
"You know you're right at least I have a name. I would much rather be me than the nameless damsel you are! Hah! Now life looks a lot brighter," Deadpool laughed.
"Screw off," the nameless lady said throwing Deadpool the bird.
Author's Notes
I had a real good time doing this story, but it was most definitely a challenge. Humor isn't something I excel at writing. I can spit out humor in a regular environment, but all out humor in prose writing has been a difficult task. Though it was gladly one I took up. I don't even know if this issue was funny, but I figured I'd try and be humorous about the one thing we could all relate too and that is fanfic of course.
I threw in the black lady simply for Derrick's entertainment and me. Not often we get to see too many authentic conversations about ghetto booties. You just gotta be black to understand it. Anyway to end it off all comments and janks in here were jokes and aren't meant to be offensive in any manner.
If you do take it personal I can't and won't apologize because it's a joke and maturity on your part wouldn't hurt. Of course if everyone cracks their asses off (which I'll be surprised to see happen) then I'll be one happy camper. Until then au revoir!
"Ain't nothing wrong with a ghetto booty! More cushion for the pushin I always say, but why you ask?"
The woman got a somber look on her face and said, "My boyfriend dumped me today because he said my booty was too big. Can you believe that bull?!"
Deadpool saw the girl was visibly upset, but he had the deepest urge to laugh. Consoling he said, "He must not be too smart because I've never heard of a black guy dumping a girl for having a big butt. It's like a white guy leaving his girl for giving him too much head. Shoot I can't think of any race that would do that now I think about it."
The girl sighed and said, "He wasn't black. The jerk was Asian and I can't believe he left me because of something physical! You know what I mean? I sure as hell didn't leave him because his wang was two inches long and the sex sucked. I think I had to use the vibrator more times with him than I've ever had to with anyone else I've been with."
Deadpool snickered under his breath and said, "Sheesh! Not even one guy has ever been able to get you off that thing?"
"Well there was one, but…hey aren't you the assassin Deadpool?" the woman asked realization dawning on her.
"Yeah I am. What gave it away? The pie face?" Deadpool asked thinking that his convo with this girl was probably over and done with.
The girl shook her head strongly and said, "Of course not! It was actually the gun hanging out of your pocket. Hey do you know my friend Pamela Greenwood? She plays the typical damsel in distress over in Bishop?"
"Can't say that I have. I haven't had a chance to venture over to that title. Now that I think about it though I haven't played much of a role at M2K at all," Deadpool exclaimed.
"Don't feel bad. My first and probably only damn appearance is in this Switch Month thing. I'm kinda worried though because friends and relatives always seem like the first ones to get hit with stuff. I mean look at poor Sara Grey. I really don't want to become a machine anytime soon," the lady said guzzling down another gulp of beer.
Deadpool hadn't paid attention to a word she had just said because he was still stuck on his importance in M2K. "Man I don't think I've made a single guest appearance and I sure haven't been involved in any crossovers. Sure I'm a little out of continuity here, but come on! I mean not even a Fallen Angels guest appearance. All the bad assess show up there and I consider myself pretty badass. Of course I would hate to be part of that Twelve crossover. Cable saves them all! How lame is that? Well Mags did save Havok, but who doesn't Mags save?"
"Excuse me! I thought we were talking about my problems here?" the lady said anger beginning to form on her face at Deadpool's babbling.
"Look no offense toots, but you're one of those extras no one takes the time to look at during the movie. I'm supposed to be a star and my writers haven't been giving me any play. So what I was created by Liefeld! Big fucking deal! I mean the bastard created Cable and I don't see a lack of Cable appearances," Deadpool complained, but when he looked up the girl was gone.
The old fat bartender came up to Deadpool and smiled. He was wiping a large beer glass as he said to Deadpool, "Man you must be good! No one has been able to get that miss out of here for hours. She just drones on and on about how screwed up her life is. Who wants to hear about that all day?"
"Who wants to drink out of a glass with beard hair in it?" Deadpool rebuked. When the bartender looked down he saw his long white beard was partially in the beer glass. Deadpool got up from his stool leaving the embarrassed bartender speechless. All his other customers who had overheard Deadpool began to spit out their drinks and demand refunds.
When Deadpool got outside he saw a woman laid out across the street. He ran to her and saw that it was the woman from the bar. Her right arm and left leg looked to be broken badly and she was unconscious probably from a concussion. With his heightened senses he could smell the burnt rubber and on the back of her thigh was an imprinted number. A hit and run had just taken place. He took the woman's pulse and she was still hanging in there.
"You have no time to worry about the lady Deadpool!" Shatterstar exclaimed appearing suddenly on the street. Deadpool looked around to see if there were any alleys and could find none.
"Where the hell did you come from?"
"Like all good opponents do. Out of the shadows!" Shatterstar exclaimed.
"Hold up! Wait a gosh darn minute! Now ain't ya suppose ta be dead?" Deadpool asked doing his best Rogue impression.
"Puny Magnus cannot beat a power such as my own," Shatterstar exclaimed.
Deadpool groaned, "I really hate imposters! Why did I decide to go out to the bar tonight? First I meet this wild woman, an ugly bartender, and someone claiming to be a dead guy. I could be watching my Tommy Lee/Pamela flick right now instead of this bullshit!!"
"You filthy creature! Now I shall truly slay you!" Shatterstar yelled jumping up into the air charging at Deadpool.
"Slay me? Yeah….keep telling yourself that," Deadpool said shooting the fake Shatterstar in the head before he could even get one lick in.
Deadpool laughed and mumbled to himself, "How come more fights can't be resolved like. Take this as a lesson kids. Violence may be bad, but it sure gets you quick results."
"Hey hot stuff over here," the young woman said healed entirely from her wounds and in a brand new black dress. Deadpool was puzzled.
"Okay please explain."
"It's called M2K Time you doofus. You know like how entire clubs are destroyed and rise back up in a few issues time or how entire cities get wiped out and are largely ignored except for a few minor stories. That's all M2K time and me being back to normal is all part of it," the friend of Pamela Greenwood said.
"M2K time huh? Maybe I'll actually start becoming relevant if I just keel over and die. People always pay attention to death though it's pretty much a mockery in my line of work. Better yet I'll just have Russ Anderson take a crack at me! He's got the Midas touch and if he can write Puck and Batroc for the love of chocolate he can write me!!" Deadpool exclaimed not realizing how much of the fabric of reality he was altering with his very words.
"Look at it this way Deadpool. At least someone can always try and improve on you, but me I'm always stuck with the fact my only appearance with be in a story written by Brent Lambert! You know how much that sucks?! It's like being dumped in a vat of boiled worms or better yet being in the 12! Well maybe not as bad as the last one, but you get the picture."
"You know you're right at least I have a name. I would much rather be me than the nameless damsel you are! Hah! Now life looks a lot brighter," Deadpool laughed.
"Screw off," the nameless lady said throwing Deadpool the bird.
Author's Notes
I had a real good time doing this story, but it was most definitely a challenge. Humor isn't something I excel at writing. I can spit out humor in a regular environment, but all out humor in prose writing has been a difficult task. Though it was gladly one I took up. I don't even know if this issue was funny, but I figured I'd try and be humorous about the one thing we could all relate too and that is fanfic of course.
I threw in the black lady simply for Derrick's entertainment and me. Not often we get to see too many authentic conversations about ghetto booties. You just gotta be black to understand it. Anyway to end it off all comments and janks in here were jokes and aren't meant to be offensive in any manner.
If you do take it personal I can't and won't apologize because it's a joke and maturity on your part wouldn't hurt. Of course if everyone cracks their asses off (which I'll be surprised to see happen) then I'll be one happy camper. Until then au revoir!