Back to GatefoldIssue #9 by Dino Pollard
"Parting is Such Sweet...Something" |
The name's Wade Wilson, Deadpool. And after all this crap I've been put through, I'm the one and ONLY Wade Wilson left in the multiverse (don't ask, just don't ask). Turns out some nutjob calling himself the Molecule Man was impersonating me. Why? Because he was bored (that'd be my reason for impersonating someone, too). So, as copyright laws dictate, there can only be one Wade Wilson per universe. Rather than just giving it to me, since y'know, I was BORN with the name, we had ta battle it out. On MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch, no less. Crappy claymation fighting... now THAT'S entertainment!! Kids today must be lobotomized at birth or something, 'cause that's the only explanation I can come up with for enjoying ANYTHING MTV puts out (well... except for broadcasting Britney Spears in red leather...).
You may be asking, how the HELL did some nutjob in a second-rate Spider-Man costume beat a guy who can control his molecules? Well, it's simple. I asked Moley to explain his powers. While he was putting the rest of the audience to sleep, I hooked him up to a couple tons of C4, then blew him sky-high. Sure, C4 costs a lot of money, but you know what they say. A dollar spent is a cheeseburger bought... or something.
But, there's another problem. Y'see, since I refuse to go universe-hopping with George, that means he'll be fired from his job as cosmic guardian. So, as network TV laws dictate, that means he's gotta be my roommate. And if you think it's tough living with a roommate who's a total slob, try bein' a total slop who lives with a neat freak. To top it all off, he's a cosmic guardian, so he NEVER shuts up about the countless times he's saved the multiverse!!
So, here I am, back in my apartment, lounging around in my boxers while eatin' pork and beans straight from the can. After all, cooking's for geeks and nancy-boys (whatever that means). An' I get to watch soap operas, sitcom reruns, and sci-fi shows all day long.
"No, Sara you idiot!!" I shout. "Don't get back with Michael!! He's cheating on you with Lucy AND he embezzled money from your father's company!!"
"We'll return to As the World Turns the Days of Our Lives and All Our Children On General Hospital after these messages..."
"Crap.... I hate commercials..."
I pick up the remote and begin flipping through channels.
*CLICK*
"Johnny... I'm having your baby!"
*CLICK*
"YA {BLEEP}IN' {BLEEP} {BLEEP} O' TRAILER {BLEEP}IN' TRASH!! STAY AWAY FROM MAH MAN!!"
*CLICK*
"Can you believe the Scarlet Witch's costume? Talk about slut city!!"
*CLICK*
"Order the fabulous Ginsu Knife set now, and we'll throw in a free First Aid kit!!"
*CLICK*
"This... is CNN..."
*CLICK*
"Juuuuust sit right back and you'll hear a tale..."
*CLICK*
"The Braaaaa-dy Bunch!!"
*CLICK*
"Next, on UPN..."
*CRASH*
"What'd you do to the TV?!" George asks.
"Watchin' daytime TV, eatin' from a can, an' loungin' around in my boxers is one thing," I reply. "But UPN is where I draw the line."
# # # # #
"Oh my God, Johnny!! This is one, sick fight!!"
"I know what you mean, Nick!! The Battle of the Blondes continues as Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy strip down and begin to mud-wrestle!!"
"And the crowd is going wi--eh? Hey Johnny... what the hell is that thing?!"
"It looks like blood and guts reassembling itself, Nick. But into what?"
"DEADPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!"
"Johnny, I think it's time for a hasty retreat. Johnny?"
"There is no Johnny, only Zuul."
"Umm... Celebrity Deathmatch will be right back."
# # # # #
"THIS IS MANKIND'S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN HISTORY!!! IT'S SIMPLY AMAZING!!"
"What're you bitching about now, Wade?"
"LOOK!! LOOK!!"
I toss George the magazine, and he looks at it.
"It's just some naked woman..."
"IT'S BRITNEY SPEARS!!"
"...And this is mankind's greatest achievement?"
"Name one thing that's better."
"Space travel."
"This is better."
"Yeah, right," George states. "Shouldn't you be out job-hunting? And would it kill ya to actually put garbage in the garbage CAN?!"
"I don't live by your socialistic standards!!"
"It's got nothing to do with society, it's a concept of hygiene!! And while we're on the subject, you COULD try showering once in awhi--"
I shut him up by putting a bullet between his eyes. But, since he's a cosmic guardian, he'll only be out for about half an hour. And that's one half an hour of peace an' quiet.
I reach over to grab my brewski when something happens. The beer comes outta the can, and it has eyes and a mouth!! It starts talkin'!!
"Deadpool!! I've come to destroy yo--"
I shut him up by downing the beer. Then, I feel a familiar tingle... The bathroom's a few feet away, George is unconscious, the can's empty.... why not?
"Ahhhhh... that feels good..."
Then, the (okay, I'm not gonna say it, not even I'M that sick!!) comes out of the can, and forms into--
"MOLEY!!"
Molecule Man is standing there, spitting a couple of times.
"Geez Wade... what the hell do you eat?!" he asks. "Now, where was I...? OH YEAH!! I'm going to destroy you!!"
"...Didn't I kill you already?"
"Oh c'mon!!!" Moley exclaimed. "A Marvel villain? DEAD? HAH!!"
Can't argue with that...
"Now... it's time to get revenge on you!!"
"Hey Moley... how DO your powers work?"
"Well... I... ohhhh, I see what you're doin'..." he states. "You're trying to score a cheap victory like last time. Well TOO BAD!!!"
"Yeah, you're right..." I say, pulling out several machine guns. Then, I turn Molecule Man into Swiss-Cheese Man.
"Shame on me."
"Uhh..." George mutters, getting to his feet. "How many times do I hafta tell you that that STINGS?! I'm gonna have a migraine for about a wee--"
Then, he looks at Molecule Man.
"Not again..."
"Just sit back, Georgie-boy," I say. "I'll take care of this joker."
"No, I'LL take care of YOU!!" Moley replies. "I should be Wade Wilson!! The role is rightfully MINE!!"
"Hmm..." George states, stroking his beard. "Hey Molecule Man... how would you like to be a Wade Wilson in all the other universes except for this one?"
"You mean I could go back to Bliss?"
"Well... eventually..."
"Wait... what's Bli--"
"So, what do you say?" George continues. Nothin' peeves me more than cosmic guardians cutting me off mid-sentence.
"Sign me up!!" Moley exclaims.
"Then this works out perfectly!!" George states. "I'll get my job back as cosmic guardian, you get to become Wade Wilson, and Deadpool gets to remain Wade Wilson."
"Sounds good t' me," I say. "But what the hell is Bliss?"
"Oh, lookit the time," George said.
"You don't wear a watch..."
"Time to go!" George says. He snaps his fingers, and it seems that he has his special effects budget back, since he and Moley vanish in a cool light show.
So, that's that. Everything's back to normal. The multiverse is back in order, George is no longer my roommate, and I'm still watching daytime TV.
But I still don't know what the hell Bliss is!! And what's with the title of this book!! Wade Wilson: Deadpool?! The @#$% is that?!
NEXT ISSUE: You get your wish, Wade!! In the next issue, the book becomes Deadpool!! And in honor of the return to the book's roots, Wade gets contracted for a job!! The target? Well, you'll just hafta wait and see.
You may be asking, how the HELL did some nutjob in a second-rate Spider-Man costume beat a guy who can control his molecules? Well, it's simple. I asked Moley to explain his powers. While he was putting the rest of the audience to sleep, I hooked him up to a couple tons of C4, then blew him sky-high. Sure, C4 costs a lot of money, but you know what they say. A dollar spent is a cheeseburger bought... or something.
But, there's another problem. Y'see, since I refuse to go universe-hopping with George, that means he'll be fired from his job as cosmic guardian. So, as network TV laws dictate, that means he's gotta be my roommate. And if you think it's tough living with a roommate who's a total slob, try bein' a total slop who lives with a neat freak. To top it all off, he's a cosmic guardian, so he NEVER shuts up about the countless times he's saved the multiverse!!
So, here I am, back in my apartment, lounging around in my boxers while eatin' pork and beans straight from the can. After all, cooking's for geeks and nancy-boys (whatever that means). An' I get to watch soap operas, sitcom reruns, and sci-fi shows all day long.
"No, Sara you idiot!!" I shout. "Don't get back with Michael!! He's cheating on you with Lucy AND he embezzled money from your father's company!!"
"We'll return to As the World Turns the Days of Our Lives and All Our Children On General Hospital after these messages..."
"Crap.... I hate commercials..."
I pick up the remote and begin flipping through channels.
*CLICK*
"Johnny... I'm having your baby!"
*CLICK*
"YA {BLEEP}IN' {BLEEP} {BLEEP} O' TRAILER {BLEEP}IN' TRASH!! STAY AWAY FROM MAH MAN!!"
*CLICK*
"Can you believe the Scarlet Witch's costume? Talk about slut city!!"
*CLICK*
"Order the fabulous Ginsu Knife set now, and we'll throw in a free First Aid kit!!"
*CLICK*
"This... is CNN..."
*CLICK*
"Juuuuust sit right back and you'll hear a tale..."
*CLICK*
"The Braaaaa-dy Bunch!!"
*CLICK*
"Next, on UPN..."
*CRASH*
"What'd you do to the TV?!" George asks.
"Watchin' daytime TV, eatin' from a can, an' loungin' around in my boxers is one thing," I reply. "But UPN is where I draw the line."
# # # # #
"Oh my God, Johnny!! This is one, sick fight!!"
"I know what you mean, Nick!! The Battle of the Blondes continues as Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy strip down and begin to mud-wrestle!!"
"And the crowd is going wi--eh? Hey Johnny... what the hell is that thing?!"
"It looks like blood and guts reassembling itself, Nick. But into what?"
"DEADPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!"
"Johnny, I think it's time for a hasty retreat. Johnny?"
"There is no Johnny, only Zuul."
"Umm... Celebrity Deathmatch will be right back."
# # # # #
"THIS IS MANKIND'S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN HISTORY!!! IT'S SIMPLY AMAZING!!"
"What're you bitching about now, Wade?"
"LOOK!! LOOK!!"
I toss George the magazine, and he looks at it.
"It's just some naked woman..."
"IT'S BRITNEY SPEARS!!"
"...And this is mankind's greatest achievement?"
"Name one thing that's better."
"Space travel."
"This is better."
"Yeah, right," George states. "Shouldn't you be out job-hunting? And would it kill ya to actually put garbage in the garbage CAN?!"
"I don't live by your socialistic standards!!"
"It's got nothing to do with society, it's a concept of hygiene!! And while we're on the subject, you COULD try showering once in awhi--"
I shut him up by putting a bullet between his eyes. But, since he's a cosmic guardian, he'll only be out for about half an hour. And that's one half an hour of peace an' quiet.
I reach over to grab my brewski when something happens. The beer comes outta the can, and it has eyes and a mouth!! It starts talkin'!!
"Deadpool!! I've come to destroy yo--"
I shut him up by downing the beer. Then, I feel a familiar tingle... The bathroom's a few feet away, George is unconscious, the can's empty.... why not?
"Ahhhhh... that feels good..."
Then, the (okay, I'm not gonna say it, not even I'M that sick!!) comes out of the can, and forms into--
"MOLEY!!"
Molecule Man is standing there, spitting a couple of times.
"Geez Wade... what the hell do you eat?!" he asks. "Now, where was I...? OH YEAH!! I'm going to destroy you!!"
"...Didn't I kill you already?"
"Oh c'mon!!!" Moley exclaimed. "A Marvel villain? DEAD? HAH!!"
Can't argue with that...
"Now... it's time to get revenge on you!!"
"Hey Moley... how DO your powers work?"
"Well... I... ohhhh, I see what you're doin'..." he states. "You're trying to score a cheap victory like last time. Well TOO BAD!!!"
"Yeah, you're right..." I say, pulling out several machine guns. Then, I turn Molecule Man into Swiss-Cheese Man.
"Shame on me."
"Uhh..." George mutters, getting to his feet. "How many times do I hafta tell you that that STINGS?! I'm gonna have a migraine for about a wee--"
Then, he looks at Molecule Man.
"Not again..."
"Just sit back, Georgie-boy," I say. "I'll take care of this joker."
"No, I'LL take care of YOU!!" Moley replies. "I should be Wade Wilson!! The role is rightfully MINE!!"
"Hmm..." George states, stroking his beard. "Hey Molecule Man... how would you like to be a Wade Wilson in all the other universes except for this one?"
"You mean I could go back to Bliss?"
"Well... eventually..."
"Wait... what's Bli--"
"So, what do you say?" George continues. Nothin' peeves me more than cosmic guardians cutting me off mid-sentence.
"Sign me up!!" Moley exclaims.
"Then this works out perfectly!!" George states. "I'll get my job back as cosmic guardian, you get to become Wade Wilson, and Deadpool gets to remain Wade Wilson."
"Sounds good t' me," I say. "But what the hell is Bliss?"
"Oh, lookit the time," George said.
"You don't wear a watch..."
"Time to go!" George says. He snaps his fingers, and it seems that he has his special effects budget back, since he and Moley vanish in a cool light show.
So, that's that. Everything's back to normal. The multiverse is back in order, George is no longer my roommate, and I'm still watching daytime TV.
But I still don't know what the hell Bliss is!! And what's with the title of this book!! Wade Wilson: Deadpool?! The @#$% is that?!
NEXT ISSUE: You get your wish, Wade!! In the next issue, the book becomes Deadpool!! And in honor of the return to the book's roots, Wade gets contracted for a job!! The target? Well, you'll just hafta wait and see.