Back to GatefoldIssue #7 by Dino Pollard
"Home Sweet Home" |
I have a name. But it's got so many damn letters that your head would explode if you tried to sound it out. So you can just call me George.
My job is simple. I have to make sure none of the little dots go out. What's a dot? Well, one dot represents 10,000 planets. 1/10,000 of a dot represents one planet. Confused yet? You should've seen the job application I had to fill out. You can only sign your full name so many times before your hand develops a mind of its own and goes on a murderous killing spree. But that's a story for another time.
So, now that you know what I have to do, lemme bring you up to speed. Apparently, some cosmic smiley face attempted to kill all the Deadpools in the multiverses. What's that, you don't know what the multiverse is? Well, lemme start by explaining it... no, scratch that. Turns out we're running out of time. Moving along, this cosmic entity succeeded, and only one Deadpool was left standing--a symbiote salesman who was also the Molecule Man.* This sounds REALLY messed up, doesn't it? All this stuff REALLY needs to be cleared up, right? But, the hack who's writing this pile of crap doesn't have enough skills to do it. We need someone like John Byrne to redo this.
Then again... Spider-Man: Chapter One... *shudder*
(* Check out issue #5 -- Dino)
But wait, if my job is to make sure no planets get destroyed, then why the hell am I helping Deadpool?
Just goes to show you why fanfic writers are just writing fanfic.
# # # # #
The day started off simple enough. Wade's lazy ass was plopped on the sofa, watching TV in the Bliss reality.* I decided to be a nice cosmic guardian and let him stay a few extra days. Too bad I can only be so nice for so long.
(* Last ish -- Dino)
"Wade."
"Mmm..."
"Wade..."
"Not now, Seinfeld is on."
"Wade!"
"Heh... 'they're real, and they're spectacular...' I gotta find a way to work that one in somewhere..."
"WADE!!"
"What?! Can't you see I'm trying to look down Teri Hatcher's shirt?! There's gotta be something those censors forgot to cut out..."
This is starting to get old. Rather than worry about talking to him, I just grab the TV and throw it out the window.
"....."
"We've gotta get going!" I shout. "We've got other universes besides this one to visit."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Wade mutters, as he pulls on his red and black costume.
# # # # #
Say hello to New York City. A frequent site for our hero. And one where I can find out if he is who he says he is.
"Soo... what's this place like?" Wade asks. "Playboy channel now on network TV... Teri Hatcher's 'no nudity' clause goner... half-naked superheroines running around."
"Oh come on, that's ridiculous," I state. "Half-naked superheroines are only in the Image universe."
"Then what is this place?"
"It's called New York. As in City."
"Okay... so what's the world like?"
"I'll answer that question by taking you someplace," I state as I snap my fingers. Thanks to the advanced special effects all us cosmic guardians have access to, we teleport in a really cool light arrangement. God bless big budgets.
# # # # #
Our little teleportation jaunt takes us to a run-down apartment, filled with empty cans, pizza boxes, and weapons. I turn to Deadpool.
"Recognize this place?"
"Hmm...." he replies as his eyes scan around. "Nope, can't say that I do."
"What was the last thing you remember happening in your reality?"
"Umm.... oh yeah!! That Magneto guy got his own country after turning off everyone's electric razors.* Come to think of it, that's not such a bad idea..."
(* Back in The Magneto War, genius! -- Dino)
"And you don't recognize this place?"
"Is there an echo in here?!" he asked, shouting. "HELLOOOO!!! HELLOOOOOOOO!!!! Nope, no echo, so that means you repeated yourself.
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did!" he protested.
"The first thing I said was, 'recognize this place?' and you said no. The last thing I said was, 'and you don't recognize this place?' Those are two different sentences."
"You're wrong again..."
"How?"
"The last thing you said wasn't, 'and you recognize this place?' it was, "no I didn't.'"
"JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!!"
"What question?"
"DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS PLACE?!"
"See, there ya go again..."
As a cosmic guardian, I'm not supposed to kill him. But that damn Uatu's already interfered so many goddamn times that I'm surprised the Watcher Union hasn't fired his ass. So I can bend the rules just once...
Before I can use some of my ILM effects, the door's opened. He's wearing a black and red costume and carries a lot of weapons.
"Hey, what're you guys doing in my apartment?!"
"Who the hell are you?!" Wade demanded. "And why are you dressed like me?!"
"What do you mean me dressed like you?! YOU'RE dressed like ME!!"
I sigh as I step forward.
"Wade Wilson, Deadpool meet Wade Wilson... the Molecule Man."
NEXT ISSUE: Who is the real Wade Wilson? How did the Molecule Man become Deadpool? And most-importantly, will Britney Spears ever pose for Playboy? All this and more in Wade Wilson: Deadpool #8!
My job is simple. I have to make sure none of the little dots go out. What's a dot? Well, one dot represents 10,000 planets. 1/10,000 of a dot represents one planet. Confused yet? You should've seen the job application I had to fill out. You can only sign your full name so many times before your hand develops a mind of its own and goes on a murderous killing spree. But that's a story for another time.
So, now that you know what I have to do, lemme bring you up to speed. Apparently, some cosmic smiley face attempted to kill all the Deadpools in the multiverses. What's that, you don't know what the multiverse is? Well, lemme start by explaining it... no, scratch that. Turns out we're running out of time. Moving along, this cosmic entity succeeded, and only one Deadpool was left standing--a symbiote salesman who was also the Molecule Man.* This sounds REALLY messed up, doesn't it? All this stuff REALLY needs to be cleared up, right? But, the hack who's writing this pile of crap doesn't have enough skills to do it. We need someone like John Byrne to redo this.
Then again... Spider-Man: Chapter One... *shudder*
(* Check out issue #5 -- Dino)
But wait, if my job is to make sure no planets get destroyed, then why the hell am I helping Deadpool?
Just goes to show you why fanfic writers are just writing fanfic.
# # # # #
The day started off simple enough. Wade's lazy ass was plopped on the sofa, watching TV in the Bliss reality.* I decided to be a nice cosmic guardian and let him stay a few extra days. Too bad I can only be so nice for so long.
(* Last ish -- Dino)
"Wade."
"Mmm..."
"Wade..."
"Not now, Seinfeld is on."
"Wade!"
"Heh... 'they're real, and they're spectacular...' I gotta find a way to work that one in somewhere..."
"WADE!!"
"What?! Can't you see I'm trying to look down Teri Hatcher's shirt?! There's gotta be something those censors forgot to cut out..."
This is starting to get old. Rather than worry about talking to him, I just grab the TV and throw it out the window.
"....."
"We've gotta get going!" I shout. "We've got other universes besides this one to visit."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Wade mutters, as he pulls on his red and black costume.
# # # # #
Say hello to New York City. A frequent site for our hero. And one where I can find out if he is who he says he is.
"Soo... what's this place like?" Wade asks. "Playboy channel now on network TV... Teri Hatcher's 'no nudity' clause goner... half-naked superheroines running around."
"Oh come on, that's ridiculous," I state. "Half-naked superheroines are only in the Image universe."
"Then what is this place?"
"It's called New York. As in City."
"Okay... so what's the world like?"
"I'll answer that question by taking you someplace," I state as I snap my fingers. Thanks to the advanced special effects all us cosmic guardians have access to, we teleport in a really cool light arrangement. God bless big budgets.
# # # # #
Our little teleportation jaunt takes us to a run-down apartment, filled with empty cans, pizza boxes, and weapons. I turn to Deadpool.
"Recognize this place?"
"Hmm...." he replies as his eyes scan around. "Nope, can't say that I do."
"What was the last thing you remember happening in your reality?"
"Umm.... oh yeah!! That Magneto guy got his own country after turning off everyone's electric razors.* Come to think of it, that's not such a bad idea..."
(* Back in The Magneto War, genius! -- Dino)
"And you don't recognize this place?"
"Is there an echo in here?!" he asked, shouting. "HELLOOOO!!! HELLOOOOOOOO!!!! Nope, no echo, so that means you repeated yourself.
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did!" he protested.
"The first thing I said was, 'recognize this place?' and you said no. The last thing I said was, 'and you don't recognize this place?' Those are two different sentences."
"You're wrong again..."
"How?"
"The last thing you said wasn't, 'and you recognize this place?' it was, "no I didn't.'"
"JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!!"
"What question?"
"DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS PLACE?!"
"See, there ya go again..."
As a cosmic guardian, I'm not supposed to kill him. But that damn Uatu's already interfered so many goddamn times that I'm surprised the Watcher Union hasn't fired his ass. So I can bend the rules just once...
Before I can use some of my ILM effects, the door's opened. He's wearing a black and red costume and carries a lot of weapons.
"Hey, what're you guys doing in my apartment?!"
"Who the hell are you?!" Wade demanded. "And why are you dressed like me?!"
"What do you mean me dressed like you?! YOU'RE dressed like ME!!"
I sigh as I step forward.
"Wade Wilson, Deadpool meet Wade Wilson... the Molecule Man."
NEXT ISSUE: Who is the real Wade Wilson? How did the Molecule Man become Deadpool? And most-importantly, will Britney Spears ever pose for Playboy? All this and more in Wade Wilson: Deadpool #8!