Back to GatefoldIssue #3 by Darryl Philips
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The camera zooms in on a man sitting in a booth at Galaxy Burger, finishing off a milkshake. It slowly pans over the pile of empty apple pie containers before him. The man suddenly looks up and puts down the cup.
"Oh, so you finally made it back, huh? Well, reader, once again, I'm George. As it turns out, you caught me in the middle of my lunch hour. Yes, even us cosmic entities get lunch breaks. But that's beside the point. Let's get back to the story!"
George strokes his black beard, failing to notice a few fries stuck in it.
"If you remember from last time, I explained that Deadpools from various timestreams were being switched around...which has really begun leading to fatal results every time."
As if on cue, a hidden panel in the table slides away, and a miniature computer pops up. George presses a few keys, and waits as a chart fills the screen.
"By my initial estimate, there were about three thousand different Deadpools, give or take a few hundred. That number is now down to five. Talk about endangered species!"
George taps another set of keys, and the computer expands until it takes up the whole table.
"But not to worry! Since there are so very few Wade Wilsons left, I'm required by Galactic Code 257349.782 to step in and give the guys a chance to survive. That means getting even with the cosmic force that's offing their race, you could say."
The computer screen flashes and displays five different men. Each wears a costume like that of the original Merc-With-A-Mouth, with slight modifications.
"As you probably already know, no Deadpool has ever been much of a team player. That means these five will have to put aside whatever differences they may have and work together if any of them is to survive. Can't you just feel the drama?!"
The computer goes blank and seems to melt back into the table.
"Well, that's the gist of it all in a nutshell."
George drags his index finger through some apple pie crumbs.
"Anyway, you don't need to worry about me. I'll be right here, waiting for my Universal Body Snatcher to bring all the Deadpools to the appointed place. He's never let me down, y'know."
# # # # #
A few minutes later, on the savage planet K3-49...
"My goodness! I've never seen carnage like this!" Barry Bailey cried.
In the ring, a huge, muscular figure in gray and black raised his arms and opened his mouth, letting out a terrible roar. At his feet, the remains of the challenger lay in a bloody heap.
"He's done it again, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the six time and NEW Universal Wrestling Federation Champion, DePo the Repo Man!"
The monster in gray raised the golden belt high, getting only cheers from the crowd. He hopped over the top rope and quickly made his way back to the locker room. Once there, he collapsed on the floor and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small container. Gasping for breath, he desperately tries to focus as the container shakes in his trembling, sweating hand. Finally, he gets the top off and swallows the last two pills.
"Are you Wade Wilson?" a computerized voice asked.
The big man turned slowly after regaining his composure. "Nah, name's Me. Bite Me, that is." He stared at the tall robot before him.
"You are unwise to lie, Deadpool. This is a most grave matter."
The big man frowned. "I don't use that name anymore. Now it's just DePo. Or Repo Man. Or Champ."
The robot made a beeping noise. "Target: Wade Wilson of K3-49 sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 7-5A."
"Capture? No way, pal. I got a title defense in two days. Unless you wanna be the one to tell the Incredible Hulk Hogan that he ain't gettin' his shot."
The robot opened its metallic mouth, and a small tube slid out. It began spraying a green gas in DePo's face.
"Hey, what the--?!" DePo stumbled back, ripping off his mask and coughing.
"Rest, Wade Wilson," the robot said calmly. A panel in its large chest slid away, revealing a hollow chamber. "You'll be safe where we're going."
DePo fell to his knees, still coughing. "Dirty, no good bucket o' bolts..." With that, he passed out onto the locker room floor.
# # # # #
Some time later, in the mysterious wasteland known as Nistanbul...
"DEADPOOL!!! GET IN HERE NOW!!!"
The man in the white bodysuit lifted his head and tilted it slightly. After a few seconds, he stood up and walked into the throne room, stopping just before the throne.
Norse the Conqueror lifted his large head, blinking slowly. "I've been calling you for ten minutes, maggot! Where have you been?!"
The man in white didn't move or speak.
"So you wanna do the silent treatment, huh?!"
Norse struggled to get his enormous red bulk off the throne when a small green alien appeared beside him. "Your Grace, Deadpool has been mute since birth."
"What the heck does that mean, Rasan?"
Rasan sighed. "It means he can't speak, Lord Norse. The only reason you keep him around is his teleportation abilities."
"Oh, yeah! Now I remember." Norse settled back down. "Well, is he deaf, too?!"
"No, Your Highness." Rasan circled Deadpool for a few seconds. "After all, he did hear you bellowing. He can obviously see, despite the fact he has no eyes. There's a rumor that he was born in this...garb." Rasan pulled at the white material, watching with some interest as it snapped back.
Norse was just about to ask what a garb was when an explosion outside the throne room caught his attention. "Guards! Go see what that noise was!"
Five guards rose from the floor and raced towards the doors, only to be knocked away by the robot that stomped into the room. "Target: Wade Wilson of Nistanbul sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 3-9F."
"Rasan, what is that thing?!" Norse cried.
"It appears to be an intruder, sir. I think it wants Deadpool."
The robot seized Deadpool and drew him into its chest cavity, which quickly sealed itself. "Your cooperation has been noted, Lord Norse of Nistanbul." It turned and stomped out of the throne room.
# # # # #
Later still, in the warehouse district of Zana Bodnine...
"Hey, Dead Man! Where ya been hidin'?" a voice called.
Deadpool looked up as the man in black landed just below him, his fingers and toes instantly sticking to the side of the building. "Long time no see, Spidey. Just been busy lately."
"Got anything for me?" Spidey asked eagerly.
Deadpool reached into his satchel and pulled out a large rat. "I probably shouldn't be giving you this, considering you're behind on the symbiote payments. Which reminds me, your time is up."
Spidey opened his mouth, revealing a snakelike tongue, which wrapped around the rat and drew it inside his jaws. He quickly swallowed and sighed. "Thanks, buddy."
"Yeah, yeah. Lose the suit already!"
Seconds later, the black "suit" Spidey was wearing slid off like water. In his place was a pale man wearing red boxers, shivering slightly from the cold wind and drug treatment.
Deadpool gathered the symbiote in a specially designed container and closed the lid. "Since you helped me out against the Fatal Four, your debts are paid in full."
"So can I get the symbiote back next week, say, half price?"
Deadpool sighed. "Sorry, pal. Daredevil's got it rented out the next three weeks. Maybe next time, though."
He was just about to walk away when a robotic hand grabbed his arm.
"Wade Wilson of Zana Bodnine sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 6-4P."
"Friend of yours? Angry customer? Repo robot?" Spidey guessed.
"None of the above," Deadpool said. "Maybe a crazed fan..."
A boxing glove flew out of the robot's mouth and crashed into Deadpool's jaw, scoring an instant knockout. A second later, the robot drew him inside its chest cavity and rocketed into the air.
# # # # #
The next night, at the annual Assassin Whammy Awards on Third Earth...
Mikey Shoot-'em-up slowly opened the envelope. "The Whammy for Highest Body Count goes to...DEADPOOL?!"
There were a few scattered claps as Deadpool jumped up, screaming with joy. "Yes! I've done it again!"
"This is, shockingly, Deadpool's sixth consecutive year to win this award," Mikey announced. Then, he added under his breath, "I should've got that Whammy! I've killed twice as many people as he has!"
Deadpool ran onstange and grabbed the golden gun-shaped statue from Mikey, shoving him aside. "I'd just like to thank myself, the Academy, and the 3,490 people that contributed to such a worthy cause. Oh, and my mother. Hi, Mom!"
There were several growls from the audience as men made their way to the stage, most gripping semi-automatic weapons.
"Ah, my adoring public. I do autographs, guys. One at a time, though. And I don't sign beer bellies. Sorry, it's just a rule I have..."
Before anyone could think to put Deadpool out of his misery, a large robot stomped onstage, its glowing eyes locked on the merc. "Wade Wilson of Third Earth sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 8-3R."
"Hey, this is my award!" Deadpool cried as the robot grabbed him. "Get your own Whammy!"
The robot said nothing as it crushed him in a brutal bear hug. After a few seconds, Deadpool passed out, dropping his award. Then the robot turned and stomped away, stuffing him into its chest cavity.
Soon after, Mikey dove onstage and grabbed the fallen Whammy. "It's mine! At long last, it's mine! Ha ha ha!" He could barely enjoy the triumph before he drowned in a sea of angry nominees.
NEXT ISSUE: Only one Deadpool remains, and he might not do so for long! Can George bring the last five Wade Wilsons together, or will the evil cosmic force destroy all of them? Find out soon
"Oh, so you finally made it back, huh? Well, reader, once again, I'm George. As it turns out, you caught me in the middle of my lunch hour. Yes, even us cosmic entities get lunch breaks. But that's beside the point. Let's get back to the story!"
George strokes his black beard, failing to notice a few fries stuck in it.
"If you remember from last time, I explained that Deadpools from various timestreams were being switched around...which has really begun leading to fatal results every time."
As if on cue, a hidden panel in the table slides away, and a miniature computer pops up. George presses a few keys, and waits as a chart fills the screen.
"By my initial estimate, there were about three thousand different Deadpools, give or take a few hundred. That number is now down to five. Talk about endangered species!"
George taps another set of keys, and the computer expands until it takes up the whole table.
"But not to worry! Since there are so very few Wade Wilsons left, I'm required by Galactic Code 257349.782 to step in and give the guys a chance to survive. That means getting even with the cosmic force that's offing their race, you could say."
The computer screen flashes and displays five different men. Each wears a costume like that of the original Merc-With-A-Mouth, with slight modifications.
"As you probably already know, no Deadpool has ever been much of a team player. That means these five will have to put aside whatever differences they may have and work together if any of them is to survive. Can't you just feel the drama?!"
The computer goes blank and seems to melt back into the table.
"Well, that's the gist of it all in a nutshell."
George drags his index finger through some apple pie crumbs.
"Anyway, you don't need to worry about me. I'll be right here, waiting for my Universal Body Snatcher to bring all the Deadpools to the appointed place. He's never let me down, y'know."
# # # # #
A few minutes later, on the savage planet K3-49...
"My goodness! I've never seen carnage like this!" Barry Bailey cried.
In the ring, a huge, muscular figure in gray and black raised his arms and opened his mouth, letting out a terrible roar. At his feet, the remains of the challenger lay in a bloody heap.
"He's done it again, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the six time and NEW Universal Wrestling Federation Champion, DePo the Repo Man!"
The monster in gray raised the golden belt high, getting only cheers from the crowd. He hopped over the top rope and quickly made his way back to the locker room. Once there, he collapsed on the floor and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small container. Gasping for breath, he desperately tries to focus as the container shakes in his trembling, sweating hand. Finally, he gets the top off and swallows the last two pills.
"Are you Wade Wilson?" a computerized voice asked.
The big man turned slowly after regaining his composure. "Nah, name's Me. Bite Me, that is." He stared at the tall robot before him.
"You are unwise to lie, Deadpool. This is a most grave matter."
The big man frowned. "I don't use that name anymore. Now it's just DePo. Or Repo Man. Or Champ."
The robot made a beeping noise. "Target: Wade Wilson of K3-49 sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 7-5A."
"Capture? No way, pal. I got a title defense in two days. Unless you wanna be the one to tell the Incredible Hulk Hogan that he ain't gettin' his shot."
The robot opened its metallic mouth, and a small tube slid out. It began spraying a green gas in DePo's face.
"Hey, what the--?!" DePo stumbled back, ripping off his mask and coughing.
"Rest, Wade Wilson," the robot said calmly. A panel in its large chest slid away, revealing a hollow chamber. "You'll be safe where we're going."
DePo fell to his knees, still coughing. "Dirty, no good bucket o' bolts..." With that, he passed out onto the locker room floor.
# # # # #
Some time later, in the mysterious wasteland known as Nistanbul...
"DEADPOOL!!! GET IN HERE NOW!!!"
The man in the white bodysuit lifted his head and tilted it slightly. After a few seconds, he stood up and walked into the throne room, stopping just before the throne.
Norse the Conqueror lifted his large head, blinking slowly. "I've been calling you for ten minutes, maggot! Where have you been?!"
The man in white didn't move or speak.
"So you wanna do the silent treatment, huh?!"
Norse struggled to get his enormous red bulk off the throne when a small green alien appeared beside him. "Your Grace, Deadpool has been mute since birth."
"What the heck does that mean, Rasan?"
Rasan sighed. "It means he can't speak, Lord Norse. The only reason you keep him around is his teleportation abilities."
"Oh, yeah! Now I remember." Norse settled back down. "Well, is he deaf, too?!"
"No, Your Highness." Rasan circled Deadpool for a few seconds. "After all, he did hear you bellowing. He can obviously see, despite the fact he has no eyes. There's a rumor that he was born in this...garb." Rasan pulled at the white material, watching with some interest as it snapped back.
Norse was just about to ask what a garb was when an explosion outside the throne room caught his attention. "Guards! Go see what that noise was!"
Five guards rose from the floor and raced towards the doors, only to be knocked away by the robot that stomped into the room. "Target: Wade Wilson of Nistanbul sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 3-9F."
"Rasan, what is that thing?!" Norse cried.
"It appears to be an intruder, sir. I think it wants Deadpool."
The robot seized Deadpool and drew him into its chest cavity, which quickly sealed itself. "Your cooperation has been noted, Lord Norse of Nistanbul." It turned and stomped out of the throne room.
# # # # #
Later still, in the warehouse district of Zana Bodnine...
"Hey, Dead Man! Where ya been hidin'?" a voice called.
Deadpool looked up as the man in black landed just below him, his fingers and toes instantly sticking to the side of the building. "Long time no see, Spidey. Just been busy lately."
"Got anything for me?" Spidey asked eagerly.
Deadpool reached into his satchel and pulled out a large rat. "I probably shouldn't be giving you this, considering you're behind on the symbiote payments. Which reminds me, your time is up."
Spidey opened his mouth, revealing a snakelike tongue, which wrapped around the rat and drew it inside his jaws. He quickly swallowed and sighed. "Thanks, buddy."
"Yeah, yeah. Lose the suit already!"
Seconds later, the black "suit" Spidey was wearing slid off like water. In his place was a pale man wearing red boxers, shivering slightly from the cold wind and drug treatment.
Deadpool gathered the symbiote in a specially designed container and closed the lid. "Since you helped me out against the Fatal Four, your debts are paid in full."
"So can I get the symbiote back next week, say, half price?"
Deadpool sighed. "Sorry, pal. Daredevil's got it rented out the next three weeks. Maybe next time, though."
He was just about to walk away when a robotic hand grabbed his arm.
"Wade Wilson of Zana Bodnine sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 6-4P."
"Friend of yours? Angry customer? Repo robot?" Spidey guessed.
"None of the above," Deadpool said. "Maybe a crazed fan..."
A boxing glove flew out of the robot's mouth and crashed into Deadpool's jaw, scoring an instant knockout. A second later, the robot drew him inside its chest cavity and rocketed into the air.
# # # # #
The next night, at the annual Assassin Whammy Awards on Third Earth...
Mikey Shoot-'em-up slowly opened the envelope. "The Whammy for Highest Body Count goes to...DEADPOOL?!"
There were a few scattered claps as Deadpool jumped up, screaming with joy. "Yes! I've done it again!"
"This is, shockingly, Deadpool's sixth consecutive year to win this award," Mikey announced. Then, he added under his breath, "I should've got that Whammy! I've killed twice as many people as he has!"
Deadpool ran onstange and grabbed the golden gun-shaped statue from Mikey, shoving him aside. "I'd just like to thank myself, the Academy, and the 3,490 people that contributed to such a worthy cause. Oh, and my mother. Hi, Mom!"
There were several growls from the audience as men made their way to the stage, most gripping semi-automatic weapons.
"Ah, my adoring public. I do autographs, guys. One at a time, though. And I don't sign beer bellies. Sorry, it's just a rule I have..."
Before anyone could think to put Deadpool out of his misery, a large robot stomped onstage, its glowing eyes locked on the merc. "Wade Wilson of Third Earth sighted. Proceeding with capture plan 8-3R."
"Hey, this is my award!" Deadpool cried as the robot grabbed him. "Get your own Whammy!"
The robot said nothing as it crushed him in a brutal bear hug. After a few seconds, Deadpool passed out, dropping his award. Then the robot turned and stomped away, stuffing him into its chest cavity.
Soon after, Mikey dove onstage and grabbed the fallen Whammy. "It's mine! At long last, it's mine! Ha ha ha!" He could barely enjoy the triumph before he drowned in a sea of angry nominees.
NEXT ISSUE: Only one Deadpool remains, and he might not do so for long! Can George bring the last five Wade Wilsons together, or will the evil cosmic force destroy all of them? Find out soon