Back to GatefoldIssue #19 by Brad Horton
"The 19th Issue Anniversary Extravaganza" |
The sound of jingling keys and the clicks of unlocking the array of security locks signify Wade Wilson, Deadpool, was finally home. It seems like it has been months since he returned to his Manhattan bachelor pad/headquarters/apartment from hell. The door squeaks as it opens, then seems to make a puttering sound as the edge rubs across the floor.
"Honey, I'm home!" Wade shouts. "Where's my dinner?"
Silence.
"Don't you play with me, momma. Dinner. Beer me. Now."
Wind howls through the air vent, producing a whistling noise.
"Wait...I'm not married. You'd think, after going to war in Afghanistamp, I'd return home to a wife with three kids I conceived without knowing...because I was at war," Wade wonders. * "Just like those doughboys that came home after World War, Part Deux."
(* Check last ish to see what Deadpool is hallucinating about -- Brad)
There is a rustle on the couch and a snort as two familiar faces pop up.
"Shit!" one of them spits. The other remains silent, giving a nonverbal facial gesture that sort of translated into "I second that 'Shit!'."
"I'm gonna have to start charging you two stoners rent," Wade sighs, taking off his red and black mask, tossing it on the floor. *
(* If you haven't figured it out, it's Jay and Silent Bob, from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back! Rent it now on video and DVD, only at Blockbuster, where your movie fantasies come true. If you don't have time for that, check out issue #17, where Wade officially met them -- Brad)
"Sorry, dude," Jay says. "We didn't know where else to go."
"Wait," Wade says, "how'd you two get in? I had this place wired to the tee."
"I dunno, we jus' opened the door and rolled some fer awhile," Jay confesses.
Wade tests the air by taking two deep sniffs, "Hm...I could have sworn I locked this place. Let me backtrack. Okay, on the phone with Terry...watched the Price is Right...scratched myself for two hours...took a shower...got dressed...more gratuitous scratching...government forcibly teleports me to the Pentagon...WAIT! Aw...shit!"
"You can teleport?" Jay asks.
"No, I have this special device that allows me to teleport. A...former employer gave it to me. Tolliver liked to remain anonymus...ahem...er...not Tolliver...um...I'm an idiot," Wade mutters.
"Don't worry, your secret is safe with us," Jay says as he chugs a beer.
Wade appears to go into deep thought, "Actually, he's dead.* So, it doesn't matter."
(* Tolliver was Cable's time-displaced son, Tyler, bent on revenge on both Cable and Stryfe. He went a bit mad as a result of Stryfe's brainwashing, and tried to harness the power of Apocalypse as Genesis. After unsuccessfully transforming Wolverine into a Horseman, Tyler was killed by him. -- Brad)
There's a knock at the door. Wade walks over and peers through the peep hole. He grabs his 9MM and slowly opens the door, until he thrusts it open. He brandishes his firearm, "I said no more Jehovah's Witnesses!!!"
"Cooo..."
"Cooo? What kind of religious organization is -- huh?" Wade asks as he looks down. A small white wicker basket was at his feet with a small infant inside with pink pajamas. On top of the basket was a note.
Wade clears his throat and reads the note silently to himself. After reading it a few more times to make sure he wasn't drunk, he screams, repeating the message, " 'Please take care of our baby. Thanks' !?!?!?!?"
"What's up?" Jay asks.
"Some punk ass hippies left me a doorstep baby!" Wade yells.
Jay looks over at Bob. "Dude, let's hightail out the fire escape," he whispers. Bob nods in acknowledgment.
"Don't leave, you fuckin' stoners!" Wade screams, but Jay and Silent Bob are already sliding down the ladders.
The tiny baby with a strand of curly blonde hair down her forehead giggles with delight.
"Don't you start with me," Wade says as he points a finger. "Okay...don't panic. We'll just find your real parents, so I can shoot them in the face for placing me with their responsibility. Namely, you. No, don't feel bad. If I wasn't a hired gun, I'd probably just cut off their toes."
"Coooowoowoo," the baby laughs.
Wade smiles, "Yeah, that would be kinda funny." His smile fades, "Wait! You're imprinting me as your parent! Stop that right now, or I'll drown you like a kitten!"
"Cooo--," the baby stops herself.
"That's right. Yer not mooching off of me while in college," Wade laughs.
"--wooooooo," the baby exhales.
Wade sniffs the air again, "That isn't refer I smell...that's...OH GOD!! You just stankified your Huggies! That wasn't very ladylike! That is...IT!!!"
Wade grabs the basket by its handle, drops it on the floor in front of the doorstep across from his and knocks on the door. "Special delivery!" he shouts as he hides down the hallway instead of just going back into his apartment and shutting the door.
An obesely fat man waddles to the door and opens it. He's got red hair and mutton chops the size of Scotland itself. "Wot's this?!" the fat bastard bellows. "Oh...it's a baby! I've seen bigger chunks of corn in m' crap! Get in m' belly! I'm gonna eat ye. I'm at the top of the food chain. I want m' baby back, baby back, baby back...ribs. Chilli's baby back ribs! I'm dead sexy..."
Wade peers around the corner and becomes disgusted, "No good can come of this..." He runs down the hallway full of trash bags and graffiti and grabs the basket away from the tub o' lard,
"Yoink!"
"Ey! That's mine! I'm gonna eat tha'!" the man yells.
"Oh, go play some bag pipes, lardass!" Wade shouts. "You can deserve to starve for a couple years. There are people in Somalia that can't have babies to eat. Think about the Somalians!!"
"Tss," the man spits as he slams his door.
Deadpool flicks his eyebrows as he walks back into his apartment, closing the door with a light kick of his foot. He sets the basket down on the kitchen counter. The baby is playfully examining her fingers as if they were a godsend.
Deadpool sighs, mustering a small smile, "You don't even care about my hideous appearance."
The baby's arm falls limp and she stares up at Wade's face and smiles with nothing but the gums visible. Wade finds himself smiling as well. He sniffs the air again, and is reminded of the foul Huggies. "Aw man...I'm gonna have to change your diaper before I can get you to social services or whatever," Wade says to the baby.
Wade grabs a clothespin off of the clothesline out of the window and clamps it over his nostrils. Then, he grabs a pair of tongs from a drawer. He kneels down on the floor and opens a cabinet under the sink and finds a box of latex gloves.
"Empty?!" he shouts, tossing the box aside. Wade scans the apartment, looking for an alternative to latex gloves. His eyes land on a plastic tray full of Trojan condoms in their square packages. Deadpool shrugs, "Latex is latex. Whatever."
As Deadpool snaps the condoms over his hands, they look like a seal's flippers. "Okay, just be very..." Wade says as he slowly unstraps the diaper, "...very, very...CAREFUL!!! GOOD LORD!!"
The diaper has landed face down on the floor.
"That's gross. I am so unprepared for doing this...ugh...baby wipes...man, where in the hell am I gonna get -- ah-ha! Paper toweling! Gold!" Wade tares off about four sheets and lightly dabs the area of messification. "Baby powder...okay. Baby...powder."
Wade flings his cabinets open, revealing a congregation of cockroaches. "Gah! Arm and Hammer Baking Soda? Hmm...I better test this."
Wade drops his drawers and lightly speckles some baking soda into his crack. He tilts his head with satisfaction. "Look out below!" Wade shouts as he pours the entire box of baking soda onto the baby's bunghole.
Wade coughs, "Okay...diaper...diaper. Hmm." He picks up his mask. The eye holes could be where the tiny legs stick out. Perfect. Wade puts the baby into his red mask and uses some duct tape to tighten the edges around the waist.
The swarm of cockroaches have begun to devour the messy pair of Huggies on the floor. "They are biodegradable! It's a miracle! Okay, I don't like you, and you don't like me. So, let's just go to social services...and then we'll never see each other again. You'll be with a nice, new family, and I'll go pop your hippy parents! Sound good?"
"Cooo!" the baby coos.
"At's the spirit!"
# # # # #
"--I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson, but we can't find this girl a family until one expresses their interest in taking little miss...whatever her name is," the middle-aged female social worker explains. She had short, gray hair with a blue blouse on as she sat at her respective desk.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Deadpool asks. "This kid ain't mine, she was just left on my friggin' doorstep."
"Where do you live?" Amber asks.
"I'm not tellin' you! Crazy sex-starved housewife!" Wade yells.
Amber seems weirded out, "We need to know so we can see if there were any witnesses to this abandonment. If we find the parents, the state can penalize them with a hefty fine. They could face jail time."
Wade sighs. What could this one little old lady do if she knew the headquarters of the world-famous Merc-With-A-Mouth? He leans in to whisper his address into Amber's ear.
"Hmm, let me do a quick check," Amber says. She picks up the phone and dials a number, "Hi, get me Landau, Luckman, and Lake. Hello? Okay, Deadpool lives--"
"Goddamn!" Wade shouts. He grabs the phone chord and wraps it around Amber's neck.
"...south...side....Manhat--AHHRG!!!" Amber screams as Deadpool tightens the grip of the chord. Soon, Amber's lips are blue as she slumps face first onto her desk.
"That's what happens when you don't update your technology," Wade pants. "Shoulda had wireless."
"Oh, crap. The baby. She might have witnessed the whole thing. She could be scarred for life."
Wade sighs with relief. She was asleep.
"Man, that was the fifth social services worker I've killed today. Who knew being a parent was this hard?"
# # # # #
Top-Secret Shadow Government Base Thingie
The four cylindrical tubes glowing with an eerie emerald glow as a chemical compound gives nutrition to the developing clones. Four small television monitors are hanging at the clones' eye level. The footage shows recorded acts of assassination procedures and killing techniques.
Suddenly, all at once, the four clones jerk to life and punch through their glass prisons, spilling the green chemical all over the concrete floor. An alarm goes off as armed guards storm the room, prepared to open fire. One clone picks up a shard of glass and hurls it into a guard's neck, causing the man to go into shock and pull the trigger on his M-16, killing the other guards. The other three clones, each having scarred skin, smirk in agreement.
"We..." the leader clone mutters, "are killers. We must...kill."
"Kill..." the second speaks.
"Kill..." the third utters.
"Kill..." the fourth moans.
"Hump!"
The clones turn their attention downward on a small, seven year old looking boy with a similar skin condition. The boy is wearing a black and red spandex costume. He puts on his mask, mostly red with black spots over the eyes. It was Mini-Deadpool.
"The fuck're you starin' at? Deadpool don't wear this costume no more! I can wear it all I want and not have to get sued!" Mini-Pool yells.
The leader seems to go into deep thought, "Deadpool...our...father?"
Mini-Pool raises a single eyebrow, pondering for a moment, "Yeah, I suppose. He's our template."
"We should also wear these...skintight clothes," the second clone suggests.
"We also need names," the third clone says.
"And we need weapons," the fourth clone speaks.
Mini-Pool sighs, shaking his head. He observes numerals above the brow of the four clones. It seems they spoke in numerical order. That was pretty fucking annoying.
# # # # #
Generals Christopher Claremont and Robert Liefeld sit in the observation deck of the shadow government facility. They are visibly disturbed by the fact that the clones have escaped.
"Damn it! Why can't those lowly employees turn off the flaming alarm! They need to find the clones, build up on fake drama, get into ridiculous situations, speak flatly, and in an overly exuberant way -- exterminate them...the very world depends on it!!" Claremont screams like a little girl.
"No! You mustn't kill the clones...they were my one attempt at copying Deathstroke!" Liefeld shouts.
"Don't you mean Deadpool?" Claremont asks.
"No, I cloned Deathstroke. I was going to call the clone Deadpool," Liefeld says.
"No, the template of the clones is called Deadpool!" Claremont shouts, slapping Liefeld upside the head.
"My career is ruined!" Liefeld shouts.
Suddenly, the four clones burst into the observation deck, brandishing a variety of weapons in their grasp, as well as four spandex costumes with masks. The clone leader, Number One, steps forward, followed by his comrades.
"I am Crochet!"
"I am Musk!"
"I am Pornet!"
"I am Oddity!"
Mini-Deadpool does a cartwheel into the room and shouts, "And I just did both your moms!"
"What the heck is this?" Claremont asks, wetting himself.
Crochet smiles underneath his white mask. He is wearing a black and white costume, along with a leather jacket, "We are...the KLINGERS!"
"What? That guy from MASH?" Liefeld asks.
Musk laughs in his jet-black costume, "We are the deadliest group of killers this side of the--"
"Don't tell the readers, dumbass! They'll figure out where the shadow government installation is!" Claremont squeals.
"Damn it, now Oddity has to say where it is, because I'm using up my speaking order to explain it!" Pornet, wearing his black and purple costume.
"Um...actually, I don't know where it is," Oddity says, with his gold and silver costume.
"It's the upper peninsula of Michigan," Mini-Pool reveals. "No one knows what goes on up here."
"Goddamn it!" Claremont screams. "I was going to tell the readers in Deadpool #375 where it was! Why'd you screw up my subplot?! Why!!??"
Mini-Pool shrugs, "I dunno, yer a hack general who's only pulling this shadow government bullshit to get the attention you had from your glory days...like twenty years ago."
Claremont screams like a girl again and begins slapping Mini-Deadpool, "I'm not a hack! I'm not a hack! I'M NOT A HACK!!"
"And you fight like a girl," Mini-Deadpool smirks, kicking General Claremont in the groin.
Crochet puts a hand in front of the youngling, "I'll handle this." He clears his throat, looking over to Musk.
Musk is busy looking at himself in the mirror, pretending to draw and fire his 8MM semiautomatic. Crochet clears his throat again. Musk sighs, "What?"
Pornet rolls his eyes, "Okay, I'll explain it...since it's my turn to speak...er...sonofa!"
Oddity shouts, "WE DON'T LIKE YOU BEATING ON THE KID, ALL RIGHT!?!?!"
"We don't have to take this!" Liefeld grabs a massive gun he shouldn't be able to carry and bends down into a position that seems anatomically impossible. He then opens his mouth wide as if he were shouting. But then he just falls over and is crushed to death by the gun.
"ROB!!!!" Claremont shouts.
"Dude...shouting won't help him come back," Mini-Deadpool says, flinching.
"IT HAS TO! DON'T YOU SEE?! ROB!!! COME BACK!!! DON'T DIE!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IF I WERE A WOMAN...I'D HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!! ROB!!!!" Claremont whimpers as he falls to his hands and knees in an overly dramatic scene. "You...you knew the gun was too big...but you...oh, Rob...He designed those guns, you see. Why'd you have to draw them so big?"
"Would someone plug this hack?" Mini-Pool groans.
"Gladly," Crochet says as he draws his handgun. The rest of the Klingers do so, unloading an entire round into the plump general. The general's military fatigues seem to turn completely dark as the blood spreads from the multiple bulletholes in his body.
"CHRIS!!!" Rob says, jerking to life with the massive gun still crushing his small intestines.
"ROB!!!" Chris yells. "YOU'RE ALIVE?!"
"CHRIS!!"
Mini-Deadpool smacks himself in the head and sticks some C-4 onto the groins of both General Rob Liefeld and General Chris Claremont. "Let's get out of here, so I can pop some young virgin cherries," Mini-Deadpool shouts with a little childish smirk.
As the child clone and the Klingers make a hasty exit, Chris leans over, and asks, "Rob, do you think I'm a hack?"
"You're asking me?!" Rob shouts.
*BOOM!*
# # # # #
Okay, Wade Wilson monologue time. I've killed at least twenty social services workers, the cops are investigating, and I've got this damn baby with...me?
Shit! I must've left her on the bus I took to get back to my neighborhood! Hmm...ah well. She's someone else's problem now.
"I cannae believe this, Wade. I thought I knew ye better!!!" a very large version of Siryn yells. "She's just a wee lass. A baby."
She's towering over the cityscape like Godzilla. God, it must be a hallucination. Her breasts aren't that small...are they? Well, right now, they're gigantic...but in proportion to the rest of her...those are acorn level at best.
Wait...proper tweaking...use my imagination to shape my dream -- there, those are some real nice ones. 78 DDD. Terry screams, using her sonic mutant powers and a bunch of silicon explodes over New York City. What did I eat so I can have this dream again?
# # # # #
Deadpool awakens at a bus stop in front of his apartment complex and suddenly realizes the urgency of his dream. The baby really was gone! "Oh man, oh man...um...do I really care?" Wade asks himself. Terry's voice still echoes through his mind, acting as his conscience. "Damn, guess I do care about that miniature feces machine."
Deadpool frantically runs up and about the block, checking every crook and tranny, asking them if they saw the baby. He then checks every crook and cranny, looking in newspaper bins, news stands, sewer drains, everywhere. Nothing.
Wade suddenly feels a pain in his chest. What was it, he thought. He wasn't having a heart attack. He was...actually sad.
Wade somberly walks into his apartment and finds Jay and Silent Bob inside. Deadpool is furious, "Goddamn it! I thought I locked this damn place!"
"Oh, sorry dude," Jay says.
Wade notices Bob is laughing as if he were playing with a little dog. "What're you two doing?" Wade walks over to get past the blocking view of the couch and sees that the baby is in-between Jay and Bob on blanket on the floor.
"You...?" Wade points his finger at both Jay and Bob. "You...you. You?"
Jay nods, "We saw you passed out on the bench. The baby was cryin' for some food, so we broke into your apartment and got her some stuff."
Wade rubs his hand over his bumpy, scarred head, "Jeez, I don't know what to say."
"Youz don't gotta say nothin', holmes," Jay says, waving his hand in a downward motion.
"No, I mean I was so tired from killing all those social service workers. Damn punks were gonna broadcast my address to the world." Wade peers down at Jay and Bob. "Uh...get out of my apartment. I gotta take care of the kid."
"What?!" Jay exclaims.
"I meant to baby-sit the kid, dumb stoner," Wade mutters.
As Bob and Jay walk out, each with a cig in their mouths, Wade props the baby up on the kitchen table, the baby still wearing his mask as a diaper.
"Cooo?"
"Yeah, I have a good idea of who will take care of ya," Deadpool says.
# # # # #
There's a knock at the door, and Rosie O'Donnell walks out of her apartment into the hallway and sees a tiny basket with a little girl inside, wearing a black and red diaper.
"Oh my sweet Lord, what a cutie-putoodie!" she exclaims. She picks up the note, "Please take care of me - put a bell on me, too. Thanks! Signed, her friend. Awwww, that's so cute. Well, this makes nineteen kids..."
Deadpool smiles while on the opposite end of the hallway. As the door closes, Wade knows the little girl will grow up with a loving family. A tear sheds from his eye.
"God...could they tone down the urine scent in this joint?" he says as his nose begins to plug up with mucous.
NEXT: Deadpool in Sin City!
"Honey, I'm home!" Wade shouts. "Where's my dinner?"
Silence.
"Don't you play with me, momma. Dinner. Beer me. Now."
Wind howls through the air vent, producing a whistling noise.
"Wait...I'm not married. You'd think, after going to war in Afghanistamp, I'd return home to a wife with three kids I conceived without knowing...because I was at war," Wade wonders. * "Just like those doughboys that came home after World War, Part Deux."
(* Check last ish to see what Deadpool is hallucinating about -- Brad)
There is a rustle on the couch and a snort as two familiar faces pop up.
"Shit!" one of them spits. The other remains silent, giving a nonverbal facial gesture that sort of translated into "I second that 'Shit!'."
"I'm gonna have to start charging you two stoners rent," Wade sighs, taking off his red and black mask, tossing it on the floor. *
(* If you haven't figured it out, it's Jay and Silent Bob, from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back! Rent it now on video and DVD, only at Blockbuster, where your movie fantasies come true. If you don't have time for that, check out issue #17, where Wade officially met them -- Brad)
"Sorry, dude," Jay says. "We didn't know where else to go."
"Wait," Wade says, "how'd you two get in? I had this place wired to the tee."
"I dunno, we jus' opened the door and rolled some fer awhile," Jay confesses.
Wade tests the air by taking two deep sniffs, "Hm...I could have sworn I locked this place. Let me backtrack. Okay, on the phone with Terry...watched the Price is Right...scratched myself for two hours...took a shower...got dressed...more gratuitous scratching...government forcibly teleports me to the Pentagon...WAIT! Aw...shit!"
"You can teleport?" Jay asks.
"No, I have this special device that allows me to teleport. A...former employer gave it to me. Tolliver liked to remain anonymus...ahem...er...not Tolliver...um...I'm an idiot," Wade mutters.
"Don't worry, your secret is safe with us," Jay says as he chugs a beer.
Wade appears to go into deep thought, "Actually, he's dead.* So, it doesn't matter."
(* Tolliver was Cable's time-displaced son, Tyler, bent on revenge on both Cable and Stryfe. He went a bit mad as a result of Stryfe's brainwashing, and tried to harness the power of Apocalypse as Genesis. After unsuccessfully transforming Wolverine into a Horseman, Tyler was killed by him. -- Brad)
There's a knock at the door. Wade walks over and peers through the peep hole. He grabs his 9MM and slowly opens the door, until he thrusts it open. He brandishes his firearm, "I said no more Jehovah's Witnesses!!!"
"Cooo..."
"Cooo? What kind of religious organization is -- huh?" Wade asks as he looks down. A small white wicker basket was at his feet with a small infant inside with pink pajamas. On top of the basket was a note.
Wade clears his throat and reads the note silently to himself. After reading it a few more times to make sure he wasn't drunk, he screams, repeating the message, " 'Please take care of our baby. Thanks' !?!?!?!?"
"What's up?" Jay asks.
"Some punk ass hippies left me a doorstep baby!" Wade yells.
Jay looks over at Bob. "Dude, let's hightail out the fire escape," he whispers. Bob nods in acknowledgment.
"Don't leave, you fuckin' stoners!" Wade screams, but Jay and Silent Bob are already sliding down the ladders.
The tiny baby with a strand of curly blonde hair down her forehead giggles with delight.
"Don't you start with me," Wade says as he points a finger. "Okay...don't panic. We'll just find your real parents, so I can shoot them in the face for placing me with their responsibility. Namely, you. No, don't feel bad. If I wasn't a hired gun, I'd probably just cut off their toes."
"Coooowoowoo," the baby laughs.
Wade smiles, "Yeah, that would be kinda funny." His smile fades, "Wait! You're imprinting me as your parent! Stop that right now, or I'll drown you like a kitten!"
"Cooo--," the baby stops herself.
"That's right. Yer not mooching off of me while in college," Wade laughs.
"--wooooooo," the baby exhales.
Wade sniffs the air again, "That isn't refer I smell...that's...OH GOD!! You just stankified your Huggies! That wasn't very ladylike! That is...IT!!!"
Wade grabs the basket by its handle, drops it on the floor in front of the doorstep across from his and knocks on the door. "Special delivery!" he shouts as he hides down the hallway instead of just going back into his apartment and shutting the door.
An obesely fat man waddles to the door and opens it. He's got red hair and mutton chops the size of Scotland itself. "Wot's this?!" the fat bastard bellows. "Oh...it's a baby! I've seen bigger chunks of corn in m' crap! Get in m' belly! I'm gonna eat ye. I'm at the top of the food chain. I want m' baby back, baby back, baby back...ribs. Chilli's baby back ribs! I'm dead sexy..."
Wade peers around the corner and becomes disgusted, "No good can come of this..." He runs down the hallway full of trash bags and graffiti and grabs the basket away from the tub o' lard,
"Yoink!"
"Ey! That's mine! I'm gonna eat tha'!" the man yells.
"Oh, go play some bag pipes, lardass!" Wade shouts. "You can deserve to starve for a couple years. There are people in Somalia that can't have babies to eat. Think about the Somalians!!"
"Tss," the man spits as he slams his door.
Deadpool flicks his eyebrows as he walks back into his apartment, closing the door with a light kick of his foot. He sets the basket down on the kitchen counter. The baby is playfully examining her fingers as if they were a godsend.
Deadpool sighs, mustering a small smile, "You don't even care about my hideous appearance."
The baby's arm falls limp and she stares up at Wade's face and smiles with nothing but the gums visible. Wade finds himself smiling as well. He sniffs the air again, and is reminded of the foul Huggies. "Aw man...I'm gonna have to change your diaper before I can get you to social services or whatever," Wade says to the baby.
Wade grabs a clothespin off of the clothesline out of the window and clamps it over his nostrils. Then, he grabs a pair of tongs from a drawer. He kneels down on the floor and opens a cabinet under the sink and finds a box of latex gloves.
"Empty?!" he shouts, tossing the box aside. Wade scans the apartment, looking for an alternative to latex gloves. His eyes land on a plastic tray full of Trojan condoms in their square packages. Deadpool shrugs, "Latex is latex. Whatever."
As Deadpool snaps the condoms over his hands, they look like a seal's flippers. "Okay, just be very..." Wade says as he slowly unstraps the diaper, "...very, very...CAREFUL!!! GOOD LORD!!"
The diaper has landed face down on the floor.
"That's gross. I am so unprepared for doing this...ugh...baby wipes...man, where in the hell am I gonna get -- ah-ha! Paper toweling! Gold!" Wade tares off about four sheets and lightly dabs the area of messification. "Baby powder...okay. Baby...powder."
Wade flings his cabinets open, revealing a congregation of cockroaches. "Gah! Arm and Hammer Baking Soda? Hmm...I better test this."
Wade drops his drawers and lightly speckles some baking soda into his crack. He tilts his head with satisfaction. "Look out below!" Wade shouts as he pours the entire box of baking soda onto the baby's bunghole.
Wade coughs, "Okay...diaper...diaper. Hmm." He picks up his mask. The eye holes could be where the tiny legs stick out. Perfect. Wade puts the baby into his red mask and uses some duct tape to tighten the edges around the waist.
The swarm of cockroaches have begun to devour the messy pair of Huggies on the floor. "They are biodegradable! It's a miracle! Okay, I don't like you, and you don't like me. So, let's just go to social services...and then we'll never see each other again. You'll be with a nice, new family, and I'll go pop your hippy parents! Sound good?"
"Cooo!" the baby coos.
"At's the spirit!"
# # # # #
"--I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson, but we can't find this girl a family until one expresses their interest in taking little miss...whatever her name is," the middle-aged female social worker explains. She had short, gray hair with a blue blouse on as she sat at her respective desk.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Deadpool asks. "This kid ain't mine, she was just left on my friggin' doorstep."
"Where do you live?" Amber asks.
"I'm not tellin' you! Crazy sex-starved housewife!" Wade yells.
Amber seems weirded out, "We need to know so we can see if there were any witnesses to this abandonment. If we find the parents, the state can penalize them with a hefty fine. They could face jail time."
Wade sighs. What could this one little old lady do if she knew the headquarters of the world-famous Merc-With-A-Mouth? He leans in to whisper his address into Amber's ear.
"Hmm, let me do a quick check," Amber says. She picks up the phone and dials a number, "Hi, get me Landau, Luckman, and Lake. Hello? Okay, Deadpool lives--"
"Goddamn!" Wade shouts. He grabs the phone chord and wraps it around Amber's neck.
"...south...side....Manhat--AHHRG!!!" Amber screams as Deadpool tightens the grip of the chord. Soon, Amber's lips are blue as she slumps face first onto her desk.
"That's what happens when you don't update your technology," Wade pants. "Shoulda had wireless."
"Oh, crap. The baby. She might have witnessed the whole thing. She could be scarred for life."
Wade sighs with relief. She was asleep.
"Man, that was the fifth social services worker I've killed today. Who knew being a parent was this hard?"
# # # # #
Top-Secret Shadow Government Base Thingie
The four cylindrical tubes glowing with an eerie emerald glow as a chemical compound gives nutrition to the developing clones. Four small television monitors are hanging at the clones' eye level. The footage shows recorded acts of assassination procedures and killing techniques.
Suddenly, all at once, the four clones jerk to life and punch through their glass prisons, spilling the green chemical all over the concrete floor. An alarm goes off as armed guards storm the room, prepared to open fire. One clone picks up a shard of glass and hurls it into a guard's neck, causing the man to go into shock and pull the trigger on his M-16, killing the other guards. The other three clones, each having scarred skin, smirk in agreement.
"We..." the leader clone mutters, "are killers. We must...kill."
"Kill..." the second speaks.
"Kill..." the third utters.
"Kill..." the fourth moans.
"Hump!"
The clones turn their attention downward on a small, seven year old looking boy with a similar skin condition. The boy is wearing a black and red spandex costume. He puts on his mask, mostly red with black spots over the eyes. It was Mini-Deadpool.
"The fuck're you starin' at? Deadpool don't wear this costume no more! I can wear it all I want and not have to get sued!" Mini-Pool yells.
The leader seems to go into deep thought, "Deadpool...our...father?"
Mini-Pool raises a single eyebrow, pondering for a moment, "Yeah, I suppose. He's our template."
"We should also wear these...skintight clothes," the second clone suggests.
"We also need names," the third clone says.
"And we need weapons," the fourth clone speaks.
Mini-Pool sighs, shaking his head. He observes numerals above the brow of the four clones. It seems they spoke in numerical order. That was pretty fucking annoying.
# # # # #
Generals Christopher Claremont and Robert Liefeld sit in the observation deck of the shadow government facility. They are visibly disturbed by the fact that the clones have escaped.
"Damn it! Why can't those lowly employees turn off the flaming alarm! They need to find the clones, build up on fake drama, get into ridiculous situations, speak flatly, and in an overly exuberant way -- exterminate them...the very world depends on it!!" Claremont screams like a little girl.
"No! You mustn't kill the clones...they were my one attempt at copying Deathstroke!" Liefeld shouts.
"Don't you mean Deadpool?" Claremont asks.
"No, I cloned Deathstroke. I was going to call the clone Deadpool," Liefeld says.
"No, the template of the clones is called Deadpool!" Claremont shouts, slapping Liefeld upside the head.
"My career is ruined!" Liefeld shouts.
Suddenly, the four clones burst into the observation deck, brandishing a variety of weapons in their grasp, as well as four spandex costumes with masks. The clone leader, Number One, steps forward, followed by his comrades.
"I am Crochet!"
"I am Musk!"
"I am Pornet!"
"I am Oddity!"
Mini-Deadpool does a cartwheel into the room and shouts, "And I just did both your moms!"
"What the heck is this?" Claremont asks, wetting himself.
Crochet smiles underneath his white mask. He is wearing a black and white costume, along with a leather jacket, "We are...the KLINGERS!"
"What? That guy from MASH?" Liefeld asks.
Musk laughs in his jet-black costume, "We are the deadliest group of killers this side of the--"
"Don't tell the readers, dumbass! They'll figure out where the shadow government installation is!" Claremont squeals.
"Damn it, now Oddity has to say where it is, because I'm using up my speaking order to explain it!" Pornet, wearing his black and purple costume.
"Um...actually, I don't know where it is," Oddity says, with his gold and silver costume.
"It's the upper peninsula of Michigan," Mini-Pool reveals. "No one knows what goes on up here."
"Goddamn it!" Claremont screams. "I was going to tell the readers in Deadpool #375 where it was! Why'd you screw up my subplot?! Why!!??"
Mini-Pool shrugs, "I dunno, yer a hack general who's only pulling this shadow government bullshit to get the attention you had from your glory days...like twenty years ago."
Claremont screams like a girl again and begins slapping Mini-Deadpool, "I'm not a hack! I'm not a hack! I'M NOT A HACK!!"
"And you fight like a girl," Mini-Deadpool smirks, kicking General Claremont in the groin.
Crochet puts a hand in front of the youngling, "I'll handle this." He clears his throat, looking over to Musk.
Musk is busy looking at himself in the mirror, pretending to draw and fire his 8MM semiautomatic. Crochet clears his throat again. Musk sighs, "What?"
Pornet rolls his eyes, "Okay, I'll explain it...since it's my turn to speak...er...sonofa!"
Oddity shouts, "WE DON'T LIKE YOU BEATING ON THE KID, ALL RIGHT!?!?!"
"We don't have to take this!" Liefeld grabs a massive gun he shouldn't be able to carry and bends down into a position that seems anatomically impossible. He then opens his mouth wide as if he were shouting. But then he just falls over and is crushed to death by the gun.
"ROB!!!!" Claremont shouts.
"Dude...shouting won't help him come back," Mini-Deadpool says, flinching.
"IT HAS TO! DON'T YOU SEE?! ROB!!! COME BACK!!! DON'T DIE!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IF I WERE A WOMAN...I'D HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!! ROB!!!!" Claremont whimpers as he falls to his hands and knees in an overly dramatic scene. "You...you knew the gun was too big...but you...oh, Rob...He designed those guns, you see. Why'd you have to draw them so big?"
"Would someone plug this hack?" Mini-Pool groans.
"Gladly," Crochet says as he draws his handgun. The rest of the Klingers do so, unloading an entire round into the plump general. The general's military fatigues seem to turn completely dark as the blood spreads from the multiple bulletholes in his body.
"CHRIS!!!" Rob says, jerking to life with the massive gun still crushing his small intestines.
"ROB!!!" Chris yells. "YOU'RE ALIVE?!"
"CHRIS!!"
Mini-Deadpool smacks himself in the head and sticks some C-4 onto the groins of both General Rob Liefeld and General Chris Claremont. "Let's get out of here, so I can pop some young virgin cherries," Mini-Deadpool shouts with a little childish smirk.
As the child clone and the Klingers make a hasty exit, Chris leans over, and asks, "Rob, do you think I'm a hack?"
"You're asking me?!" Rob shouts.
*BOOM!*
# # # # #
Okay, Wade Wilson monologue time. I've killed at least twenty social services workers, the cops are investigating, and I've got this damn baby with...me?
Shit! I must've left her on the bus I took to get back to my neighborhood! Hmm...ah well. She's someone else's problem now.
"I cannae believe this, Wade. I thought I knew ye better!!!" a very large version of Siryn yells. "She's just a wee lass. A baby."
She's towering over the cityscape like Godzilla. God, it must be a hallucination. Her breasts aren't that small...are they? Well, right now, they're gigantic...but in proportion to the rest of her...those are acorn level at best.
Wait...proper tweaking...use my imagination to shape my dream -- there, those are some real nice ones. 78 DDD. Terry screams, using her sonic mutant powers and a bunch of silicon explodes over New York City. What did I eat so I can have this dream again?
# # # # #
Deadpool awakens at a bus stop in front of his apartment complex and suddenly realizes the urgency of his dream. The baby really was gone! "Oh man, oh man...um...do I really care?" Wade asks himself. Terry's voice still echoes through his mind, acting as his conscience. "Damn, guess I do care about that miniature feces machine."
Deadpool frantically runs up and about the block, checking every crook and tranny, asking them if they saw the baby. He then checks every crook and cranny, looking in newspaper bins, news stands, sewer drains, everywhere. Nothing.
Wade suddenly feels a pain in his chest. What was it, he thought. He wasn't having a heart attack. He was...actually sad.
Wade somberly walks into his apartment and finds Jay and Silent Bob inside. Deadpool is furious, "Goddamn it! I thought I locked this damn place!"
"Oh, sorry dude," Jay says.
Wade notices Bob is laughing as if he were playing with a little dog. "What're you two doing?" Wade walks over to get past the blocking view of the couch and sees that the baby is in-between Jay and Bob on blanket on the floor.
"You...?" Wade points his finger at both Jay and Bob. "You...you. You?"
Jay nods, "We saw you passed out on the bench. The baby was cryin' for some food, so we broke into your apartment and got her some stuff."
Wade rubs his hand over his bumpy, scarred head, "Jeez, I don't know what to say."
"Youz don't gotta say nothin', holmes," Jay says, waving his hand in a downward motion.
"No, I mean I was so tired from killing all those social service workers. Damn punks were gonna broadcast my address to the world." Wade peers down at Jay and Bob. "Uh...get out of my apartment. I gotta take care of the kid."
"What?!" Jay exclaims.
"I meant to baby-sit the kid, dumb stoner," Wade mutters.
As Bob and Jay walk out, each with a cig in their mouths, Wade props the baby up on the kitchen table, the baby still wearing his mask as a diaper.
"Cooo?"
"Yeah, I have a good idea of who will take care of ya," Deadpool says.
# # # # #
There's a knock at the door, and Rosie O'Donnell walks out of her apartment into the hallway and sees a tiny basket with a little girl inside, wearing a black and red diaper.
"Oh my sweet Lord, what a cutie-putoodie!" she exclaims. She picks up the note, "Please take care of me - put a bell on me, too. Thanks! Signed, her friend. Awwww, that's so cute. Well, this makes nineteen kids..."
Deadpool smiles while on the opposite end of the hallway. As the door closes, Wade knows the little girl will grow up with a loving family. A tear sheds from his eye.
"God...could they tone down the urine scent in this joint?" he says as his nose begins to plug up with mucous.
NEXT: Deadpool in Sin City!