Back to GatefoldIssue #16 by Brad Horton
"Maulrat" |
Theed, Naboo
Dart Maul savagely swipes his lightsaber against the edge of the bottomless pit thingie. Dangling for dear life is Jedi Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Moments before, this Sith mo' fo' Force-shoved him into this position and to be even more of a prick, he kicked Obi-Wan's saber into the pit. He also jabbed one of the ends of his double-bladed lightsaber into his master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
What a dick.
Obi-Wan concentrates, giving Maul a dirty look. Maul returns the dirty look. Out of nowhere, Obi-Wan uses the Force to grab his fallen master's lightsaber, at the same time jumping really high, doing a flip-thing, and cuts Maul in half.
Maul gets a curious look on his face as both halves of himself fall into the pit...
(* As seen in Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Don't sue me, Lucas -- Brad)
# # # # #
Times Square...
Out of nowhere, a crackle of lightning opens up a strange-looking portal. A lightsaber hilt pops out of the portal. An old lady is oblivious to the pain that's about to come.
"I wonder what Blanche will do on Golden Girls today--OWWW!" the lady screams as the hilt ricochets off her head and into Deadpool's trench coat pocket. He has headphones on, listening to his MP3 player he bought using his whopping $4000 paycheck. *
(* Check last issue. And I'm serious, don't sue me, Lucas. You already rip off Star Wars with mythology -- Brad)
"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY...day day day...m'na na na na na," I sing, trying to mumble the words I don't understand. What is up with Bono? I mean, sheesh. Annunciate, you drunken Irish dude.
Other people aren't disturbed by the poor singing, but rather, worried about the old woman on the ground whimpering something about Golden Girls.
Feh. Their loss.
"...something hit me in the head," the woman says shakily.
If I could, I'd go over there and tell her: "Suck it up, grandmaw! Youz gotta complain about the price of bananas and drive 20 miles below the speed limit so the rest of the world can function!"
"Oh my God, did someone drop another penny from the Empire State Building?" I hear myself ask. I continue down Times Square. Oh crap...not...ugh. Fuckin' TRL. I have to get through! Damn kids cheering, trying to get on TV. I have to get to the street on the other side! Move it!
"I'M ON TV, BEOTCH! WAH!" I find myself yelling moments later.
"Sign my boobs!" a chick yells, bouncing...I mean, jumping up and down.
"Someone got a pen?" I say. "Boner!"
There's a camera man stuffing his camera in a frat boy's face. The frat boy declares as he rips off his shirt, "This one is for you, Jenny! I requested N*Sync's Girlfriend!"
"Britney Spears? Good God, why? Crossroads sucked," I say.
# # # # #
Undisclosed location, USA
"Come on, he didn't mean it," Justin Timberlake says. He clears his throat, trying to act like he has a deeper voice. "Come on, let's have sex."
Britney Spears sits on her bed, sobbing. She switches TRL off. "I heard someone say Crossroads sucked..."
Justin rubs Britney's back, trying to unstrap her bra, "Yeah, that's stupid..."
"What?!"
"I mean, don't listen to that foo', girl."
Britney crooks her head from side to side, "You're right." She turns MTV back on.
{{"Hahaha! Did you see that suck-ball Pepsi commercial during the Super Bowl? I mean, holy sh*bleep*!"}} Deadpool cackles during the fanspeak thing they play during the video. {{"If I had my way with Britney, I -- oh sh*bleep* I hope Terry isn't watching..."}}
Britney screams, jumping out the window. Justin screams like a girl, shouting from the balcony, observing Britney's impression in the backyard. "Oh man, I better call the gays, I mean the guys!"
"Whaz up, boyfriend?" JC says.
"JC? Sheot, yo," Justin screams, "Britney jumped out the window, yo."
"Word..." Lance says, without listening. He's too busy looking at himself in the mirror.
Joey runs in, panting. "Why do boy bands need to have a designated fat guy? And why was I chosen to be our fat guy?"
Mike moonwalks into the room, "G'ya, hommies!"
"BRITNEY JUMPED OUT D'WINDOW!" Justin screams, his voice cracking.
{{"She has got some NICE ones, though, I have to say,"}} Deadpool continues.
Justin cries, gripping one of Britney's stuffed animals. "I just wanted a little nookie..." he whimpers.
"A cookie?" Joey pants, reaching into the crotch of his pants, pulling out a chocolate chip cookie, shoving it in Justin's mouth.
"I hate my life," Justin says between chews. "Hmm...maybe I can get some milk for these cookies from Britney's jugs...?"
# # # # #
Times Square
A familiar energy signature appears as another portal opens, popping out both halves of Darth Maul. Blood covers the sidewalk. Onlookers scurry in fear at the horned alien. He looks in disgust at the sight of his torso being separate from his pelvic region and legs.
"That pit was some sort of gateway?" Maul asks himself.
*CLUNCK*
Maul blacks out as his lightsaber hilt drops on his head.
An ambulance screeches to a halt. The medics get a confused look on their faces when they observe Maul. "Um, should we get two stretchers?" one female medic asks.
"Sure. Wait, what's that thing lying next to him? Looks like a torch thingie without the flame on it. You think it's for the Olympics?" the male medic asks, picking up the lightsaber hilt. He throws it into the back of the ambulance as both halves of Maul are hoisted into the vehicle.
"What the fuck is with this traffic?" the driver of the ambulance barks.
"Turn the siren on, ass-face," the male medic says.
"Shut up, Richard. It's only my thirty-third day on the job. Twenty-nine of those days I had my dog pose as me," the driver explains as he flips the siren on, speeding to the hospital.
# # # # #
Maul wakes with a start in a primitive medical room, from his perspective. The nurses have replaced his traditional Sith black robes with a hospital gown with pink flowers on it. Maul almost vomits, but suddenly realizes his legs have been reattached. He snarls his lips in a sinister smile, notices the legs attached to him aren't his originals. In fact, they are scrawny old white guy legs.
"What in the name of the Kessel spice mines?" Maul shouts.
The doctor hurriedly walks in, "Ah, I see we've woken up, have we, Mr...um..." The doctor flips papers on his clipboard, "Mr. Creepy Horn-head. My nurses couldn't find any ID on you, so they made up a name for you. And...holy shit on a crotch! I...Oh fuck! I'm sorry...I reattached the wrong legs again!"
Maul simply holds his hand out, pinching his thumb and index finger together. Using the Force, he snaps the doctor's neck. He silently grabs his lightsaber hilt and gets into his black robes, jumping out the window...
# # # # #
"Excuse me, human, do you know where Senator Palpatine is?" Maul asks a hot dog vendor.
"No comprendo," he replies.
"Senator Palpatine?"
"Eh...¿Qué?"
"No, Senator Palpatine. I must contact him. It's urgent."
"No puedo intender tú problema, señor. ¿Quieres un hot dog?"
"Not hot dog, Senator -- ugh...pitiful." Maul sees a woman carrying a briefcase. "Excuse me, human, do you know where Senator Palpatine is? He's a politician, but he's really a dark Lord of the Sith."
The lady stops walking, pondering the question. "I don't know...try a comic book store."
"Comic book store. Hmm...I can't believe I'm saying this, since I'm such an evil mother bantha fucker, but...thank you."
The lady shakes her head, "You should really get something for the redness in your eyes. You look like you hit yourself in your eyes after jerking off."
Maul looks down at "his" lanky legs. "What does that mean?"
"It means...well, y'know..."
"Tell me," Maul says, doing a Sith mind trick.
The woman prepares to speak, but gets stopped by a rush of employees getting off of work. Maul snarls at the crowd and goes off, wandering the streets of New York until he eventually finds a comic book store.
Maul walks in, rolling his eyes at the bell that rings when the door is opened. A fat, bearded man is sitting at a counter, eating Doritos, reading an issue of Wizard. "Kevin Smith is God, man..." the owner mutters with crumbs in his beard.
Maul takes out his lightsaber, activating both ends, pointing one end at the shop owner. "Where's Palpatine?"
The owner is not startled. "Nice costume. The Babylon 5 convention is next week."
"I will not ask twice, feeble--"
The owner slaps his magazine on the counter, sticking a finger in Maul's face. "Look, you little prick--"
With a mere flick of his wrist, Maul cuts off the owner's head. Frustrated, Maul storms back outside, where he bumps into a certain Merc-With-A-Mouth.
"Oh great, real original," Deadpool says.
"You look...like someone I know..." Maul says suspiciously. He twirls his lightsaber, "You are trying to replace me as Sidious' apprentice!"
"Sidi-what-now?" Deadpool asks. Suddenly, Maul advances on Deadpool, catching the bones at the wrist with the constant stream of crimson energy. "Ow, you fucker!" Wade looks longingly at his lost appendage. It was his right hand. Long ago, he would be able to regrow it, but his healing factor has been significantly lowered since then.
Wade reaches into his trench coat, looking for an uzi, but pulls out a lightsaber hilt. He activates the blue stream and finds himself exchanging blows with Maul's red saber.
Maul is faster than anyone Deadpool has ever faced, but Wade is able to hold his own against the alien Force-user.
"You are a Jedi?" Maul asks.
"No, Gemini, actually," Wade winces as his forearm starts to tingle as white blood cells rush in to heal the sever wound. Wade realizes something was wrong when the wound wasn't sealing. Blood was dripping everywhere.
It was one assassin against another. Wade would have to make this quick...and he'd have to fight dirty. Maul smiles wickedly as he hacks off Deadpool's other hand holding the lightsaber. Wade shouts in agony. He crawls over to the lightsaber hilt and grips it with his teeth, using his tongue to activate it.
Wade shakes his head wildly to try and hack into Maul, but the Force-sensitive is able to dodge the blade quite easily. Maul simply kicks Deadpool in the stomach, forcing him to spit out the hilt. Maul uses the dark side to fire Force lightning into the weapon, causing it to explode.
As Deadpool lies helpless on the sidewalk, Maul smiles silently as he goes in for the kill. Wade notices bone and tissue have begun to form above the cutoff point of his wrists. "What...?" he asks himself.
Wade smiles. He doesn't know why, but his healing factor was starting to kick into overdrive like it was back in the glory days. Wade clicks his heels together, causing two blades to pop out of his boots. As Maul prepares to strike, Deadpool drives both feet into Maul's crotch...blades and all.
Maul's eyes bulge as Deadpool flips himself up. Deadpool tackles the shocked Maul, making sure he did not have possession of his saber by kicking it out of his hands. Wade then begins to gnaw on Maul's horns.
"Is this making you horny? Ba-dum-crash!" Deadpool mocks. Using the phalanx bones that have already begun to regenerate, Wade reaches for his belt, pulling out some explosive putty. He puts the putty in Maul's mouth, gagging him. Wade puts a fuse in the putty as well, promptly activating his teleportation device.
Maul lies on the ground, growling something, muffled by the putty. Before he knows it, the putty is detonated, sending pieces of him everywhere. Deadpool observes the explosion from atop the comic book shop.
"That's the second seemingly unbeatable foe I've beat by blowing him up," Deadpool observes. He looks at his nubs, which were starting to regenerate and heal up nicely. There weren't fingers or thumbs yet, but Wade smiles anyway. He didn't know what increased his powers, but he's glad to have it happen.
Wade jumps back down to street level, amidst a crowd of tubby freaks who frequented the comic store.
"That was awesome," one virgin for life declares.
One picks up the lightsaber hilts, "Can I have these, Mr. Stunt Man, sir?"
"Sure, go ahead...WAIT, I mean...for a price," Deadpool says slyly. He removes his trench coat and pulls his mask over his head.
"I'll give you a quarter million dollars!" the guy says.
"Each?" Deadpool asks.
"...Um....well....I hate college anyway....Okay, deal!"
"I should start my own movie franchise," Deadpool says. "It would be awesome. I could put out shitty products, but people won't care, because it'll be a pop culture icon. People fighting each other with laser swords...that shit is golden!"
Indeed it...is.
NEXT ISSUE: Deadpool runs into some friends from the past. Can you guess who?
Dart Maul savagely swipes his lightsaber against the edge of the bottomless pit thingie. Dangling for dear life is Jedi Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Moments before, this Sith mo' fo' Force-shoved him into this position and to be even more of a prick, he kicked Obi-Wan's saber into the pit. He also jabbed one of the ends of his double-bladed lightsaber into his master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
What a dick.
Obi-Wan concentrates, giving Maul a dirty look. Maul returns the dirty look. Out of nowhere, Obi-Wan uses the Force to grab his fallen master's lightsaber, at the same time jumping really high, doing a flip-thing, and cuts Maul in half.
Maul gets a curious look on his face as both halves of himself fall into the pit...
(* As seen in Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Don't sue me, Lucas -- Brad)
# # # # #
Times Square...
Out of nowhere, a crackle of lightning opens up a strange-looking portal. A lightsaber hilt pops out of the portal. An old lady is oblivious to the pain that's about to come.
"I wonder what Blanche will do on Golden Girls today--OWWW!" the lady screams as the hilt ricochets off her head and into Deadpool's trench coat pocket. He has headphones on, listening to his MP3 player he bought using his whopping $4000 paycheck. *
(* Check last issue. And I'm serious, don't sue me, Lucas. You already rip off Star Wars with mythology -- Brad)
"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY...day day day...m'na na na na na," I sing, trying to mumble the words I don't understand. What is up with Bono? I mean, sheesh. Annunciate, you drunken Irish dude.
Other people aren't disturbed by the poor singing, but rather, worried about the old woman on the ground whimpering something about Golden Girls.
Feh. Their loss.
"...something hit me in the head," the woman says shakily.
If I could, I'd go over there and tell her: "Suck it up, grandmaw! Youz gotta complain about the price of bananas and drive 20 miles below the speed limit so the rest of the world can function!"
"Oh my God, did someone drop another penny from the Empire State Building?" I hear myself ask. I continue down Times Square. Oh crap...not...ugh. Fuckin' TRL. I have to get through! Damn kids cheering, trying to get on TV. I have to get to the street on the other side! Move it!
"I'M ON TV, BEOTCH! WAH!" I find myself yelling moments later.
"Sign my boobs!" a chick yells, bouncing...I mean, jumping up and down.
"Someone got a pen?" I say. "Boner!"
There's a camera man stuffing his camera in a frat boy's face. The frat boy declares as he rips off his shirt, "This one is for you, Jenny! I requested N*Sync's Girlfriend!"
"Britney Spears? Good God, why? Crossroads sucked," I say.
# # # # #
Undisclosed location, USA
"Come on, he didn't mean it," Justin Timberlake says. He clears his throat, trying to act like he has a deeper voice. "Come on, let's have sex."
Britney Spears sits on her bed, sobbing. She switches TRL off. "I heard someone say Crossroads sucked..."
Justin rubs Britney's back, trying to unstrap her bra, "Yeah, that's stupid..."
"What?!"
"I mean, don't listen to that foo', girl."
Britney crooks her head from side to side, "You're right." She turns MTV back on.
{{"Hahaha! Did you see that suck-ball Pepsi commercial during the Super Bowl? I mean, holy sh*bleep*!"}} Deadpool cackles during the fanspeak thing they play during the video. {{"If I had my way with Britney, I -- oh sh*bleep* I hope Terry isn't watching..."}}
Britney screams, jumping out the window. Justin screams like a girl, shouting from the balcony, observing Britney's impression in the backyard. "Oh man, I better call the gays, I mean the guys!"
"Whaz up, boyfriend?" JC says.
"JC? Sheot, yo," Justin screams, "Britney jumped out the window, yo."
"Word..." Lance says, without listening. He's too busy looking at himself in the mirror.
Joey runs in, panting. "Why do boy bands need to have a designated fat guy? And why was I chosen to be our fat guy?"
Mike moonwalks into the room, "G'ya, hommies!"
"BRITNEY JUMPED OUT D'WINDOW!" Justin screams, his voice cracking.
{{"She has got some NICE ones, though, I have to say,"}} Deadpool continues.
Justin cries, gripping one of Britney's stuffed animals. "I just wanted a little nookie..." he whimpers.
"A cookie?" Joey pants, reaching into the crotch of his pants, pulling out a chocolate chip cookie, shoving it in Justin's mouth.
"I hate my life," Justin says between chews. "Hmm...maybe I can get some milk for these cookies from Britney's jugs...?"
# # # # #
Times Square
A familiar energy signature appears as another portal opens, popping out both halves of Darth Maul. Blood covers the sidewalk. Onlookers scurry in fear at the horned alien. He looks in disgust at the sight of his torso being separate from his pelvic region and legs.
"That pit was some sort of gateway?" Maul asks himself.
*CLUNCK*
Maul blacks out as his lightsaber hilt drops on his head.
An ambulance screeches to a halt. The medics get a confused look on their faces when they observe Maul. "Um, should we get two stretchers?" one female medic asks.
"Sure. Wait, what's that thing lying next to him? Looks like a torch thingie without the flame on it. You think it's for the Olympics?" the male medic asks, picking up the lightsaber hilt. He throws it into the back of the ambulance as both halves of Maul are hoisted into the vehicle.
"What the fuck is with this traffic?" the driver of the ambulance barks.
"Turn the siren on, ass-face," the male medic says.
"Shut up, Richard. It's only my thirty-third day on the job. Twenty-nine of those days I had my dog pose as me," the driver explains as he flips the siren on, speeding to the hospital.
# # # # #
Maul wakes with a start in a primitive medical room, from his perspective. The nurses have replaced his traditional Sith black robes with a hospital gown with pink flowers on it. Maul almost vomits, but suddenly realizes his legs have been reattached. He snarls his lips in a sinister smile, notices the legs attached to him aren't his originals. In fact, they are scrawny old white guy legs.
"What in the name of the Kessel spice mines?" Maul shouts.
The doctor hurriedly walks in, "Ah, I see we've woken up, have we, Mr...um..." The doctor flips papers on his clipboard, "Mr. Creepy Horn-head. My nurses couldn't find any ID on you, so they made up a name for you. And...holy shit on a crotch! I...Oh fuck! I'm sorry...I reattached the wrong legs again!"
Maul simply holds his hand out, pinching his thumb and index finger together. Using the Force, he snaps the doctor's neck. He silently grabs his lightsaber hilt and gets into his black robes, jumping out the window...
# # # # #
"Excuse me, human, do you know where Senator Palpatine is?" Maul asks a hot dog vendor.
"No comprendo," he replies.
"Senator Palpatine?"
"Eh...¿Qué?"
"No, Senator Palpatine. I must contact him. It's urgent."
"No puedo intender tú problema, señor. ¿Quieres un hot dog?"
"Not hot dog, Senator -- ugh...pitiful." Maul sees a woman carrying a briefcase. "Excuse me, human, do you know where Senator Palpatine is? He's a politician, but he's really a dark Lord of the Sith."
The lady stops walking, pondering the question. "I don't know...try a comic book store."
"Comic book store. Hmm...I can't believe I'm saying this, since I'm such an evil mother bantha fucker, but...thank you."
The lady shakes her head, "You should really get something for the redness in your eyes. You look like you hit yourself in your eyes after jerking off."
Maul looks down at "his" lanky legs. "What does that mean?"
"It means...well, y'know..."
"Tell me," Maul says, doing a Sith mind trick.
The woman prepares to speak, but gets stopped by a rush of employees getting off of work. Maul snarls at the crowd and goes off, wandering the streets of New York until he eventually finds a comic book store.
Maul walks in, rolling his eyes at the bell that rings when the door is opened. A fat, bearded man is sitting at a counter, eating Doritos, reading an issue of Wizard. "Kevin Smith is God, man..." the owner mutters with crumbs in his beard.
Maul takes out his lightsaber, activating both ends, pointing one end at the shop owner. "Where's Palpatine?"
The owner is not startled. "Nice costume. The Babylon 5 convention is next week."
"I will not ask twice, feeble--"
The owner slaps his magazine on the counter, sticking a finger in Maul's face. "Look, you little prick--"
With a mere flick of his wrist, Maul cuts off the owner's head. Frustrated, Maul storms back outside, where he bumps into a certain Merc-With-A-Mouth.
"Oh great, real original," Deadpool says.
"You look...like someone I know..." Maul says suspiciously. He twirls his lightsaber, "You are trying to replace me as Sidious' apprentice!"
"Sidi-what-now?" Deadpool asks. Suddenly, Maul advances on Deadpool, catching the bones at the wrist with the constant stream of crimson energy. "Ow, you fucker!" Wade looks longingly at his lost appendage. It was his right hand. Long ago, he would be able to regrow it, but his healing factor has been significantly lowered since then.
Wade reaches into his trench coat, looking for an uzi, but pulls out a lightsaber hilt. He activates the blue stream and finds himself exchanging blows with Maul's red saber.
Maul is faster than anyone Deadpool has ever faced, but Wade is able to hold his own against the alien Force-user.
"You are a Jedi?" Maul asks.
"No, Gemini, actually," Wade winces as his forearm starts to tingle as white blood cells rush in to heal the sever wound. Wade realizes something was wrong when the wound wasn't sealing. Blood was dripping everywhere.
It was one assassin against another. Wade would have to make this quick...and he'd have to fight dirty. Maul smiles wickedly as he hacks off Deadpool's other hand holding the lightsaber. Wade shouts in agony. He crawls over to the lightsaber hilt and grips it with his teeth, using his tongue to activate it.
Wade shakes his head wildly to try and hack into Maul, but the Force-sensitive is able to dodge the blade quite easily. Maul simply kicks Deadpool in the stomach, forcing him to spit out the hilt. Maul uses the dark side to fire Force lightning into the weapon, causing it to explode.
As Deadpool lies helpless on the sidewalk, Maul smiles silently as he goes in for the kill. Wade notices bone and tissue have begun to form above the cutoff point of his wrists. "What...?" he asks himself.
Wade smiles. He doesn't know why, but his healing factor was starting to kick into overdrive like it was back in the glory days. Wade clicks his heels together, causing two blades to pop out of his boots. As Maul prepares to strike, Deadpool drives both feet into Maul's crotch...blades and all.
Maul's eyes bulge as Deadpool flips himself up. Deadpool tackles the shocked Maul, making sure he did not have possession of his saber by kicking it out of his hands. Wade then begins to gnaw on Maul's horns.
"Is this making you horny? Ba-dum-crash!" Deadpool mocks. Using the phalanx bones that have already begun to regenerate, Wade reaches for his belt, pulling out some explosive putty. He puts the putty in Maul's mouth, gagging him. Wade puts a fuse in the putty as well, promptly activating his teleportation device.
Maul lies on the ground, growling something, muffled by the putty. Before he knows it, the putty is detonated, sending pieces of him everywhere. Deadpool observes the explosion from atop the comic book shop.
"That's the second seemingly unbeatable foe I've beat by blowing him up," Deadpool observes. He looks at his nubs, which were starting to regenerate and heal up nicely. There weren't fingers or thumbs yet, but Wade smiles anyway. He didn't know what increased his powers, but he's glad to have it happen.
Wade jumps back down to street level, amidst a crowd of tubby freaks who frequented the comic store.
"That was awesome," one virgin for life declares.
One picks up the lightsaber hilts, "Can I have these, Mr. Stunt Man, sir?"
"Sure, go ahead...WAIT, I mean...for a price," Deadpool says slyly. He removes his trench coat and pulls his mask over his head.
"I'll give you a quarter million dollars!" the guy says.
"Each?" Deadpool asks.
"...Um....well....I hate college anyway....Okay, deal!"
"I should start my own movie franchise," Deadpool says. "It would be awesome. I could put out shitty products, but people won't care, because it'll be a pop culture icon. People fighting each other with laser swords...that shit is golden!"
Indeed it...is.
NEXT ISSUE: Deadpool runs into some friends from the past. Can you guess who?