Back to GatefoldIssue #11 by Dino Pollard
"Those Crazy Canucks" |
So there I am, driving down Rural Route 9. And what do I see in front of me, but 5 psychos in costumes (err... nevermind).
So I swerve to the side, and step outta the car. There they are, standin' still. I recognize Constrictor. Worked with him once. Th' guy with the skull on his mask is Crossbones, seen pictures of him. The one with th' bad ponytail and horrible use of green is Zaran. But I've got no clue who the babe an' the robot are.
"Hiya, 'Pool," Constrictor stated.
"What's goin' on here?" I ask.
<< We have a proposition for you, >> the robot says.
"Deathlok's right," the babe says, stepping forward. "I'm Archer. We're the Six-Pack."
"Six-Pack?" I ask. Before she can say anything else, I start laughing!! I mean, the SIX-PACK!! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"Why does everyone do that when we say our name...?"
The robot... the guy she called Deathlok, lifts his arm up. It changes around into a gun.
<< I suggest you hear us out. >>
"Yeah, sure thing..." I say, standing up. "What are you guys anyway?"
"We're the Si--" the babe begins, but sees me stifling a laugh and stops. "We're a team of mercenaries. Six in total. We had another member, Bullseye, but he's gone. So now, we need a sixth member."
"An' you thought of me? How sweet!!"
"You were our last choice..." she says. "It was either you or Batroc."
"...I see..."
"We're hired by various employers. We just finished an assignment for the Kingpin. And, we split the money."
"Wait... you split the money SIX ways?!"
Archer just nodded.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"What's so funny now?!"
"That's even funnier than yer name!!" I exclaim. "That's why merc teams never work, 'cause ya gotta split the money!!"
I climb back into my car.
"See ya around, kids. I got some road trippin' ta do."
They just look at me as I drive off.
# # # # #
"One beer and one Shirley Temple."
"Eh, my bud here ordered a beer. Why not deliverin', eh?"
"Sorry sir, we don't sell alcohol to minors."
"Whut?! I ain't no minor!! I'm just a midget!!"
"Like I haven't heard that one a million times before..."
"Eh, he's serious."
"Lemme see some ID then."
"Well, that's th' thing... I dun got one."
"Then I can't help ya."
The bartender turned away, and the midget got up on his stool.
"Eh, don't do it, Gnome!!"
"Piss off, Half-Pint!!"
"Eh?! You talkin' t' me?!"
"Yeah, that's right!!"
"Eh, you wanna fight me?!"
"Yeah, that's right!! They dun call me--"
"...Nevermind."
A guy in a trench coat and fedora hat slid in next to them.
"Eh, mate," Half-Pint stated, looking at him. "What're ya drinkin'?"
"...Where am I, anyway?" he asked.
"Why, Rhode Island," Gnome replied. "I'm Gnome, an' this here's Half-Pint."
"Waitaminute..." he said. "How can he be Half-Pint, he's tall. Shouldn't you be Half-Pint?"
"Half-Pint is my preferred size o' drink," Half-Pint replied. "Speakin' o' which, WHERE'S MY HALF-PINT, EH?!"
"This is AMERICA, we don't HAVE half-pints!!" the bartender shouted.
"Sic 'em, Gnome!!" Half-Pint exclaimed. Then he turned to the man in the fedora. "Watch this, mate. This is why he's called Gnome..."
Gnome let out a cry as he leapt over the bar, mouth opened and dove right for the bartender's crotch!!
"...th' Crotch-Biter."
"AHHH!!! ALRIGHT!! ALRIGHT!! I'LL GIVE YOU A HALF-PINT!!!"
"And...?" Half-Pint asked.
"AND A BEER FOR YOUR FRIEND!!"
"And...?"
"FOR BOTH YOUR FRIENDS!!!"
"And...?"
"ON THE HOUSE!!! OH SWEET JESUS, JUST GET HIM OFF!!"
"And...?"
"That's all you need to ask him," the man whispered.
"Oh, right... Y' can let go now, Gnome."
Gnome released the man's crotch and leapt back over the bar.
"So, what's yer name, eh?"
"Wade," he replied. "Or Deadpool."
"Nice t' meet ya, Wade," Half-Pint stated, holding up his beer. "Cheers, eh?"
# # # # #
Five Hours Later.
"So then I shays to him, I says 'how DO your powers work?' An' whilsht he's explained them, I hook up TONSH o' C4, an watch as he blows SHKY-HIGH!!!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ahhh... yer too much, Wade...."
"So anyway, Half-Pint and I need to get to Canada, our homeland," Gnome said.
"Hey... how come yer all intellectual-like now?" Wade asked.
"When Gnome gets drunk, he gets shmarts..." Half-Pint replied. "Dun' ashk me how, though, eh?"
"That's the gist of it," Gnome replied. "Now then, we need to get to Canada."
"Hell, I'LL take youse guys," Wade stated. "'Sides, it's better than traveling solo."
"Yer a good friend, Wade Wilshon!!" Half-Pint exclaimed. "Hey... where'd that tender go, eh?"
"He's still whimpering in the back," Gnome replied.
"Well... let'sh hit th' road," Wade said, pulling out his keys.
"You can't drive drunk, though," Gnome noted.
"Pfft!!" Wade replied. "That'sh jusht an old wive'sh tale!!"
NEXT ISSUE: Kids, don't try this at home! Wade, Gnome, and Half-Pint head to the Promised Land -- meaning Canada -- drunk off their asses!! And, along the way, they'll have to contend with the most vilest villain ever created--the Rhode Island State Trooper!!
So I swerve to the side, and step outta the car. There they are, standin' still. I recognize Constrictor. Worked with him once. Th' guy with the skull on his mask is Crossbones, seen pictures of him. The one with th' bad ponytail and horrible use of green is Zaran. But I've got no clue who the babe an' the robot are.
"Hiya, 'Pool," Constrictor stated.
"What's goin' on here?" I ask.
<< We have a proposition for you, >> the robot says.
"Deathlok's right," the babe says, stepping forward. "I'm Archer. We're the Six-Pack."
"Six-Pack?" I ask. Before she can say anything else, I start laughing!! I mean, the SIX-PACK!! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"Why does everyone do that when we say our name...?"
The robot... the guy she called Deathlok, lifts his arm up. It changes around into a gun.
<< I suggest you hear us out. >>
"Yeah, sure thing..." I say, standing up. "What are you guys anyway?"
"We're the Si--" the babe begins, but sees me stifling a laugh and stops. "We're a team of mercenaries. Six in total. We had another member, Bullseye, but he's gone. So now, we need a sixth member."
"An' you thought of me? How sweet!!"
"You were our last choice..." she says. "It was either you or Batroc."
"...I see..."
"We're hired by various employers. We just finished an assignment for the Kingpin. And, we split the money."
"Wait... you split the money SIX ways?!"
Archer just nodded.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"What's so funny now?!"
"That's even funnier than yer name!!" I exclaim. "That's why merc teams never work, 'cause ya gotta split the money!!"
I climb back into my car.
"See ya around, kids. I got some road trippin' ta do."
They just look at me as I drive off.
# # # # #
"One beer and one Shirley Temple."
"Eh, my bud here ordered a beer. Why not deliverin', eh?"
"Sorry sir, we don't sell alcohol to minors."
"Whut?! I ain't no minor!! I'm just a midget!!"
"Like I haven't heard that one a million times before..."
"Eh, he's serious."
"Lemme see some ID then."
"Well, that's th' thing... I dun got one."
"Then I can't help ya."
The bartender turned away, and the midget got up on his stool.
"Eh, don't do it, Gnome!!"
"Piss off, Half-Pint!!"
"Eh?! You talkin' t' me?!"
"Yeah, that's right!!"
"Eh, you wanna fight me?!"
"Yeah, that's right!! They dun call me--"
"...Nevermind."
A guy in a trench coat and fedora hat slid in next to them.
"Eh, mate," Half-Pint stated, looking at him. "What're ya drinkin'?"
"...Where am I, anyway?" he asked.
"Why, Rhode Island," Gnome replied. "I'm Gnome, an' this here's Half-Pint."
"Waitaminute..." he said. "How can he be Half-Pint, he's tall. Shouldn't you be Half-Pint?"
"Half-Pint is my preferred size o' drink," Half-Pint replied. "Speakin' o' which, WHERE'S MY HALF-PINT, EH?!"
"This is AMERICA, we don't HAVE half-pints!!" the bartender shouted.
"Sic 'em, Gnome!!" Half-Pint exclaimed. Then he turned to the man in the fedora. "Watch this, mate. This is why he's called Gnome..."
Gnome let out a cry as he leapt over the bar, mouth opened and dove right for the bartender's crotch!!
"...th' Crotch-Biter."
"AHHH!!! ALRIGHT!! ALRIGHT!! I'LL GIVE YOU A HALF-PINT!!!"
"And...?" Half-Pint asked.
"AND A BEER FOR YOUR FRIEND!!"
"And...?"
"FOR BOTH YOUR FRIENDS!!!"
"And...?"
"ON THE HOUSE!!! OH SWEET JESUS, JUST GET HIM OFF!!"
"And...?"
"That's all you need to ask him," the man whispered.
"Oh, right... Y' can let go now, Gnome."
Gnome released the man's crotch and leapt back over the bar.
"So, what's yer name, eh?"
"Wade," he replied. "Or Deadpool."
"Nice t' meet ya, Wade," Half-Pint stated, holding up his beer. "Cheers, eh?"
# # # # #
Five Hours Later.
"So then I shays to him, I says 'how DO your powers work?' An' whilsht he's explained them, I hook up TONSH o' C4, an watch as he blows SHKY-HIGH!!!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ahhh... yer too much, Wade...."
"So anyway, Half-Pint and I need to get to Canada, our homeland," Gnome said.
"Hey... how come yer all intellectual-like now?" Wade asked.
"When Gnome gets drunk, he gets shmarts..." Half-Pint replied. "Dun' ashk me how, though, eh?"
"That's the gist of it," Gnome replied. "Now then, we need to get to Canada."
"Hell, I'LL take youse guys," Wade stated. "'Sides, it's better than traveling solo."
"Yer a good friend, Wade Wilshon!!" Half-Pint exclaimed. "Hey... where'd that tender go, eh?"
"He's still whimpering in the back," Gnome replied.
"Well... let'sh hit th' road," Wade said, pulling out his keys.
"You can't drive drunk, though," Gnome noted.
"Pfft!!" Wade replied. "That'sh jusht an old wive'sh tale!!"
NEXT ISSUE: Kids, don't try this at home! Wade, Gnome, and Half-Pint head to the Promised Land -- meaning Canada -- drunk off their asses!! And, along the way, they'll have to contend with the most vilest villain ever created--the Rhode Island State Trooper!!